Therapy
by petthekat
Summary: Let her heal. She needs time. Give her space. Raphael has been watching April O'Neil waste away for six months and he's sick of it. [one-shot series, raph/april, rating for language, character death and non-explicit adult themes]
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: Hey guys! First TMNT fiction here but I've been a reader for years and I'm a huge fan. This is just a little Raph/April one-shot I've had in my head for a while. I may continue it (in the form of a series of one-shots) if anyone would like.

Warnings: Character death, adult language.

* * *

><p>It hadn't been an official discussion.<p>

Hell, he wasn't even sure if the others really stayed like he did. Still, he knew his brothers worried. That they kept vigil at April's apartment from her windowsill, each meeting the other as if by chance and then taking up their quiet mantle with a nod.

Six months of this shit. Six. Fucking. Months.

April hadn't been to the lair in all that time. She hadn't spoken to them or smiled. She wasn't even going to school anymore. The company she kept was her bed and the dimly lit lamp next to it. Raphael couldn't see her from his post at the living room window, where he sat with one long leg dangling near the fire escape, but he knew she was in there, curled up in the corner of a pile of dingy blankets she'd hardly moved or washed.

It was a cool night, but he didn't feel up to dropping into April's living room for a blanket. The biting sting of the New York City winds was bracing in a way. Without anything to tend to, without his brothers to distract him, his mind wandered.

Raph and April had never had much one-on-one interaction until about a year ago. He remembered the sunny summer morning with startling clarity.

* * *

><p>"When is everyone going to stop baby-sitting me?"<p>

Raphael nearly dropped the carton of eggs he'd been holding. "Christ, you wake up early. You and Leo, I swear to God." Raph turned swiftly in his friend's kitchen and began to pull out dishware. He only spared a half-glance at April, who was giving him an annoyed look from where she stood in a pair of penguin pajama pants and a school brand sweatshirt. It was seven a.m. on a Saturday. He didn't know what she had planned for the day but he knew he'd be asleep as shit if he wasn't on ... well, baby-sitting duty, as April called it.

Raph began cracking eggs into a skillet. He'd never admit it, but he secretly enjoyed cooking. Breaking things was his favorite part. "You know how things are with the Kraang right now," he said finally, huffing when April purposefully stood in his way. "Master Splinter wants us to keep an eye on you." And because he felt like annoying her even more, Raph continued with -

"S'not my fault you're tiny and weak."

He smirked at the redhead's growl, grinning with satisfaction as his eggs sizzled. Behind him, April shuffled and sat down heavily on the bar stool nextto her kitchen island.

"Well, it's not my fault you're a jerk." A pause. "Make me some eggs."

"Can do," Raph said swiftly, dipping into the carton and tossing out two more eggs with ease. Moments later, the two of them sat down at the counter to a full breakfast and were content to shovel food into their mouths rather than speak. Raphael didn't mind keeping watch over April. It was better than sticking around home all day anyway, waiting for one of his brother's to give him a reason to hit them. They trained with Splinter, of course (now more than ever), but he was glad to get out of that too. He loved training, but sometimes it did more to incense his anger than temper it.

After they ate, the two of them washed dishes side-by-side. "I think I'm going to go to the library," April said thoughtfully, twisting at that hair of hers that Raph thought was so strange. He liked the color though.

Just as he was getting ready to settle on April's couch with a movie, he saw her watching him with a peculiar interest. "What?" he asked warily. April leaned on the counter, looking thoughtful. Suddenly, she smiled in a way he'd seen her throw at Donnie a few times. _This can't be good, _he thought.

"Raph, I've had a thought."

"You don't say."

"Wellllll, you were right about what you said earlier. I am tiny and weak. But!" She held up a finger. "There's something you can do about that." Moving from her stool, she practically hopped up to him and blinked expectantly. "I doubt it," Raphael said, trying to back away.

"No, really!" April protested, following his every step with hers, hands behind her back in a posture of innocence. "I mean, why waste all this time you're here with me? Why don't we use that time for YOU to train me?" She hopped again.

"In what?" Raphael exclaimed.

"What do you think, Raph? Martial arts! I need to know how to defend myself!"

"April, look at me." He made a grand show of grabbing her forearms, holding her still and then taking in a deep,long-suffering breath.

"_No_."

April's face fell. "Why? Come on, Raph! You're a great warrior and I could learn a lot."

Raph rolled his eyes and dropped his hands. "Don't try that flattery shit on me, April. I'm not Donnie, alright? I don't succumb to lady wiles." He wiggled his fingers at her. April pouted. "I'm not using my lady wiles - whatever those are - I'm just asking you as a friend. Why won't you teach me?"

"Isn't Master Splinter already training you?" Raph fell to the couch. April plopped down next to him, one leg folded onto the cushion. "Well, yeah, but now he's so busy with you guys. And plus, he treats me like I'm going to break. He's afraid to get real with me, ya know?"

"No, I don't know. He kicks our asses every day."

April smirked.

"And besides, why don't you just ask Donnie?" Raph continued, grunting in annoyance when she flailed her arms, as if the very idea was ridiculous. "Oh come on, Donnie already treats me like glass. How would I get ANY sort of real training with him?" Hmph. She had a point. Still, there was no way.

"April, look. It's not about you. I'm a terrible student - Splinter tells me this shit every day - and I'd be a terrible teacher. You'd be over it in like.. five minutes. And besides, like you said, I have no self restraint. What if I broke your damn leg or something?" He propped up his feet on the coffee table and folded his arms behind his head. "I mean, I'm not afraid of Donnie, but I really think he might electrocute me in my sleep or something if I hurt you."

"I can take it, Raph. I promise. Don't you think I should train with someone who won't baby me? The Kraang sure won't. Shredder won't. And Karai?" April made a sputter noise with her lips that made Raph smirk. "That bitch would kill me just for giggles."

"Hey look, I hate to tell you, but no amount of training I can give you will save you from people that have been doing this shit their whole lives. Karai literally lives to kill people. You can't teach crazy like that."

"Eugh! At least give me a CHANCE, Raph!" April hopped up and stood over him, hands on her hips. "Please! What you teach me, even the simplest thing, might save my life someday."

Raph stared up at her, squinting with one eye as if he were only paying half-attention. Well, damn. Again, she had a point. Maybe if he just.. eugh, damn it. He was already giving in. He chalked up his defeat to his lack of experience in dealing with females.

Another deep, aggrieved sigh escaped Raphael before he stood. "Alright, look. I'll ... I don't know, show you some stuff. But there's a couple of ground rules." He watched with annoyance as April's face twitched with the attempt to hide a grin.

"Rule number one," he said loudly, as if to overpower her joy. " ... you tell Splinter what's going on. I'm not going to have one of those fools trying to say I was hiding it from them."

April nodded quickly.

"Rule number two - You do whatever I say. I mean it. I tell you to drop and give me twenty, you do it. I tell you to practice falling for three hours, you do it."

Another enthusiastic nod.

"And finally - " Raph inhaled and then narrowed his eyes at her. "No bitching." April rolled her eyes and Raph pointed vehemently. "See? That's bitching."

"I didn't say anything!"

"You rolled your eyes," He folded his arms. "That's bitching."

April steeled her face into an apathetic mask. It took a lot of effort, Raphael judged. He made a face of his own. This was going to belike training a smart-mouth Mikey. With lady-levels crazy. "Why do you get to roll your eyes and I can't?"

"Because the no bitching rule doesn't apply to me," Raph said lightly. When April scowled behind him, he poked her one more time for good measure.

"_Bitching_!" he warned.

* * *

><p>Raphael smirked to himself on the window ledge. He'd give anything to have that April back, the one who'd trained with him for just a few months before things got all crazy. She'd done pretty well in their short time together. He'd even enjoyed it, though he had never thought to tell her so. It took him some time to re-work some routines for her physique and tolerance but the planning behind it had actually been somewhat... therapeutic to him. He'd never been in that leadership position he'd always coveted. There was a bit of pressure to it, he'd realized, putting someone else's development in your own hands.<p>

To her credit, April had done everything he'd said during that time. She'd fought and worked and pushed. She'd done weight-training and kata exercises, motions to limber her limbs and strengthen her muscles. He'd taught her several grabs and holds, mostly how to evade. The one thing he'd always emphasized to her, though, was escape.

"Escape?" she'd repeated at the time, flashing him a confused look. "Yeah, escape," Raph repeated, handing her a towel to wipe her face off with. "You're not trying to kill anyone, April. You're trying to get away."

She leaned into a chair. "I'd never thought you would be someone to tell me to run away."

Raphael paused, his brows furrowed. "Nah, I don't - I don't know, I don't mean it like that. I'm not telling you to be a coward." He worked it over in his brain. "I'm just saying that you shouldn't put your life on the line just to try to finish someone off."

"Why?"

Raphael sat down next to her and shrugged one shoulder. "I dunno," he muttered. "Cause we'd rather see you alive and defeated than dead and victorious?"

He'd been a little confused that day, trying to puzzle out what he meant, but he knew now that he was just trying to protect her. To explain to her that he and his brothers had trained their entire lives knowing that one day they'd likely die in battle. And that she had an altogether different purpose in life. Something she had to live on for.

Now, as he sat against a cool window in the selective darkness of New York City, his words to her were more relevant than ever.

It didn't matter, though. None of it mattered anymore. Not since Donnie.

Maybe it hadn't even been his death that had hit them all so hard. Maybe it was the way it had happened, right in front of the turtles and April. The way they'd thought the battle was won and they'd all been celebrating, and April had been smiling at Donnie like he was the bravest warrior she knew, which had made his face light up in a way that made Raphael roll his eyes.

And then - one of those s_tupid fucking Kraang _- they'd left some sort of explosive behind, something they'd meant to detonate but left forgotten in their haste to escape. Donnie spotted it first, warned the others away so he could inspect it. He'd barely stepped up to it when it had gone off, and suddenly a blinding white light erupted in a plume of unnatural flame. It had engulfed Donne before anyone could even react.

For six agonizing seconds, they'd tried to put the fire out. He'd screamed the entire time, fighting to keep conscious, trying to explain to them what to do because this wasn't a normal fire and no amount of water would help.

Mikey finally jumped up and dragged April away when they saw Donnie's screams finally stopped, but the street was still raucous with the sounds coming from Leo and Raph. It was, without a doubt, the worst night of any of their lives, because even if they'd watched Donatello die in battle or of illness, it could not have been worse than seeing him writhe in agony, begging for help, only to bury his unanswered cries with the charred remains of his body some hours later.

Raphael's fingers clenched on his knees. They'd all grieved, okay. They'd dealt with Donnie's death in their own ways. But the family was still together, the fight was still on, and they all knew if they didn't keep up their training they'd simply _die, _and maybe not even because of the Kraang, but because they'd have nothing left.

April, though. She'd withered.

Raphael had yelled, raged and snapped at his brothers when they'd all stood by. It wasn't their fault. Master Splinter had explained to them, in his own quiet way, that April needed time.

"We can't just leave her in that dark room for the rest of her life," Raphael growled at Leo one day over the kitchen table. "She looks like a fucking toothpick!"

"I don't know," his orange-banded brother said slowly, his tone uncharacteristically solemn. "I think she'll come around on her own. She's gotta deal with things, ya know?"

"Yeah," Leo grunted, not meeting Raph's gaze. "Master Splinter said - "

"I know what he fucking said," Raphael snapped, standing up from the table roughly. "But she probably thinks we don't even care anymore!"

"She knows we care, Raphael." Leo stood up as well, his eyes narrowed. "But damn it, we can't force her to come back here. It's too painful for her."

"I don't care if she comes here or not," Raphael waved an arm. "I just want her to get out of bed! Go outside! Do SOMETHING!"

"That's not your decision to make!" Leo pushed away his chair. "Just leave her the hell alone, Raph. Not everyone does things like you!"

"Yeah, well. Not everyone does things like you either, thank fucking God." Raphael stomped out of the kitchen and left his remaining two brothers behind that day. The argument had been repeated on numerous occasions over the last six months but they'd always ended the same.

Give her time. Let her grieve. She'll come around.

Turning his gaze to her dark living room again, Raphael shook his head. Whatever. The turtle let his head fall back against the glass, his body temporarily relaxing. However, something in the corner of his gaze flickered with movement. He turned, his expression scrunched as he squinted at something on the floor.

Was that... water?

Green eyes ticked around and then fell on the stream of darkness on the carpet again. It was coming from under April's bedroom door, a heavy flow of steadily moving water that seeped into the carpet.

Raphael shifted and opened the window, stepping into the shadows cautiously.

"April?"

He moved, closing the window and shifting around the water to April's door. He paused and listened. Running water. His jaw tense and he opened the door, stepping into the inky blackness of the bedroom. The moonlight from the living room afforded him a glance of her bed - blankets strewn, otherwise empty. He quickly glanced along the trail of steadily widening water and found April's joining bathroom door.

"April?" He called again, louder this time. The door was closed and locked, but when no voice came from the other side, Raphael shoved his shoulder into the door and it burst open with a crash. He nearly slipped into the massive amount of water on the floor, catching his balance just in time to glance up and choke.

"APRIL!"

Raphael dove at the overflowing bathtub, where April floated in the water like a corpse sent to sea, her eyes closed and her body completely submerged. Raphael hurriedly turned off the faucets and lifted her out of the water. It sloshed over the sides and drenched him from the waist down, but he ignored it and took April into the living room where he quickly set her on the floor.

"Fucking shit," he cursed, panic threatening to overwhelm him for a moment before he listened for her pulse. Quickly he began to use CPR, though he was afraid his motions would do more damage than good. He might break her ribs or something, but god damn it, he had to try!

Carefully shifting her into position, Raphael pressed multiple times against her chest and fought to remember Donnie's nagging instructions.

"Come on, April!" he exclaimed angrily. "Don't do this!"

Breath. Pump. Repeat. April lay still on the floor, her sleep clothes soaked and flat against her. She was so pale and thin.

"God damn it! WAKE UP!" Raphael cried out, his motions growing weaker as he began to lose hope. With one last burst of determination, he pumped her chest and then breathed into her mouth.

April sputtered and coughed, rolling onto her side with a strangled gasp. Another choking noise preceded water and bile spilling to the floor.

Raphael jumped away in surprise, his eyes wide. When the girl gave a watery inhale, he fell to his knees next to her and held his face in his hands for a moment of self-recollection.

"April, fuck..." He turned her over towards him and helped her up. She blinked dazedly, looking at him for a moment in confusion before she took in her surroundings. Her breathing calmed. Suddenly, her eyes grew angry. She shoved him away.

"Damn it, Raphael!" she exclaimed hoarsely, her eyes filled with tears. "I didn't want your help!" She tried to stand, but fell again. Raphael scowled. "Well, too fucking bad! You're not killing yourself, April!"

"I can if I want to! Leave me alone!"

Raphael gaped at her. April turned away and tried to crawl, desperate to get away, but Raphael had already made up his mind. What the hell was she THINKING? How could she do this? To herself, to them, to Donnie?

This was what "letting her grieve" had gotten them. This was what she'd been doing instead of healing. Hurting. Loathing. Planning. April had barely gotten her breath when Raphael grabbed her suddenly, yanking her to her feet a little more roughly than necessary.

April jerked in surprise and then shot him a venomous glare.

"Let go of me!"

"No," Raphael growled, and then he was dragging her across the living room floor. He pushed her into her bedroom. "Get on some dry clothes." Now it was April's turn to stare, open-mouthed. "What? No!" she snarled wildly.

"Yes!" Raphael snarled in return, advancing on her with a single menacing step.

"You can't make me!"

"April, go in your fucking room, get on some clothes, and then meet me back in here in five minutes or so help me God, I will come in there and dress you myself."

April's eyes narrowed. "You wouldn't."

"You want to fucking test me?"

April's jaw clicked and she gave him the most hateful of looks. The two had a brief stand-off, gauging one another's resolve. Finally, April turned and moved to her dresser, though she did turn and slam the door in his face first.

"And if you try to lock this door on me, I'll break it down!" Raphael called heatedly. When April emerged five minutes later, her wet hair pulled back and her wet pajamas exchanged for no less dingy street clothes, neither of their moods had improved.

"Now come with me," Raphael ordered. April folded her arms. "Fuck off, Raphael. I'm not going anywhere."

"You are going somewhere, April O'Neil, and that somewhere is the lair with me."

The girl's eyes suddenly watered. "No, no.. I can't. I can't go." Raphael sucked in a deep breath. "You are. Whether you like it or not." April stomped her foot, her body seething with the sort of frustration Raphael could easily relate to. "NO GOD DAMN IT!" Her shriek would have shattered glasses.

"Fine, have it your way." Raphael advanced on her swiftly, and before she had a chance to react, he pinched a nerve in her shoulder and she crumbled in a brief state of unconsciousness. Raphael lugged her over his shoulder.

* * *

><p>"Hey, do you think this milk is good?"<p>

Leo glanced up at his brother. "It's solid," he stated, his fingers pausing mid-flip of his comic book. Mikey glanced at the jug and then tilted his head. "So is that a 'no'?"

"Mikey, throw that away - "

"DAMN IT, RAPHAEL, IF YOU DON'T LET ME GO - "

The two turtles jerked their heads up at the sound of the lair doors opening and then the wicked torrent of screams and curses that followed. With a quick glance at each other, Leonardo and Michelangelo hurried out of the kitchen just in time to see Raphael cross the living area with a writhing April O'Neil on his shoulder.

Raphael cursed inwardly. Should've pinched her harder. She'd woken up about halfway home, but she didn't stand a chance against the weight of his arm keeping her on his shoulder. She sure could kick, though.

"Raphael! What in the hell are you doing?" Leo shouted, immediately moving to April's assistance, but Raphael shoved him away and quickly hopped up to the door of the dojo.

"Shove off, Leo. This ain't got anything to do with you."

"Let her go!" Leo growled, but Raphael managed to kick him away and hurry into the dojo. Both of his brothers leapt at the door, but he'd already slid it shut and locked it by the time they came at the entrance with their fists.

"PUT ME DOWN!" April shrieked. Raphael scowled at the door, where his brothers were shouting, and his shoulder, where April was shouting.

He dumped her on the dojo floor.

"Ow!" she yelped, glaring up at him again. Raphael walked over her to the center of the floor. "Get over here," he pointed. April pulled herself up weakly and walked over, apparently just so she could shove his plastron aggressively.

"Let me out of here, Raphael!" April's voice cracked, something dangerously close to hysteria taking hold of her. Raphael barely budged at the shove, but her voice affected him a bit more. He pushed himself to be firm. When he thought back to her floating body in the tub, it wasn't so hard.

"Shut up," he told her with a jab of his finger. "Stop screaming. Stop resisting. We're here to _train." _The redhead shrieked wordlessly. "I am not training right now, Raphael! I am never training with you again! I just - want - to - go - HOME!"

The last word was a bellow that made even April take a step back. She wobbled uncertainly and then fell ungracefully. April huddled her knees to her chest on the dojo floor, refusing to move further.

Raphael growled again. "Get up, April."

"No!" she snapped, falling over onto her side limply. Once again, she was ripped from the floor by Raphael's powerful hands. Her acidic expression briefly shifted to surprise once more. "Yes!" Raphael shook her just a little. "You are going to stand up, do these exercises with me, and you are going to stop fucking sitting in your bed all day like a god damned corpse! You're better than that, April! You're worth more than that!"

"I'm not.." April turned her face away, briefly squeezing her eyes shut. Tears formed again, this time dropping on her shoulders in streams. "I - I can't do it, I can't - do _anything._ It's all gone." Her voice dropped to a whisper and Raphael had to dip his head a moment to hide his expression.

When he looked back up, he pushed his face into a sympathetic but firm form.

"April, I know.. Okay? He was my brother, I - I fucking know. But this shit with you, it's gotta stop. It's not right."

"I never even gave him an answer," she choked out suddenly, and Raphael blinked in confusion before it slowly dawned on him what she was talking about. His stomach twisted. His fingers flexed around her upper-arms but he didn't let go.

"I just - I treated him like, I don't know. Like a toy or something, I was so - so fucking _awful!" _April sobbed, his knees buckling beneath her. Raphael shifted to support her weight, drawing her just a little closer. "I didn't mean to, I honestly didn't! I just didn't know what to say or how to feel! I cared about him so much, Raphael. You have to know I did!"

"Yeah, I know..." he murmured. "We all knew."

"Everyone except him! I never told him and he always just thought I - " Her words dropped into sobs again and Raphael allowed her just one more moment of incoherence. Then he straightened her into a standing position again.

"You think I don't regret some of the shit I said to Donnie?" She flinched at the sound of his name and Raph didn't blame her. "But he knew I cared about him. He knew I loved him because he was brother and he was great in all kinds of ways I could never hope to be." Raphael looked at his feet briefly, his words stumbling out of his mouth in the most uncomfortable way.

"Me and Donnie.. we were pretty opposite. I mean, hell. Me and Leo got more in common than the two of us did." He exhaled and looked away, over April's shoulder. "But I .. I thought he was great, really I did. And he knew it, even though he might not have even.. I don't know, _know _that he knew it." He swallowed tightly. "He knew you cared, April. He... he would have done anything for you and that's because he knew how special you are."

He slowly released her arms and hardened his gaze again.

"He knew you were strong. And smart. And you've got a hell of a lot more going for you than this hiding in your bedroom shit." He prodded her shoulder. "Which is why I'm here now. To be the asshole who makes you do things you don't want to do."

April turned her watery gaze up to him. "I - I can't..." A wracking sob shook her body. Raphael shook his head and, with just a slight bit of hesitation, touched her chin with a single green digit and turned her gaze up.

"Hey... remember my rule?" He raised both brow ridges at her. "No bitching."

Then, with an uncharacteristically gentle motion, he swept his thumb over both of her cheeks and cleared away her tears. His hand lingered for just a moment before dropping away and then he moved in front of her, no more than three feet away. He planted his feet apart and then looked at her expectantly.

April trembled, glancing at the door as if contemplating escape again.

"I got all day, April."

* * *

><p>"Damn it, Raphael, let us in you sorry bastard!"<p>

"Leonardo! Language." The blue-clad turtle jumped and turned to face his father, who was glancing over him with a disapproving stare. He and Mikey hurried forward. "Master, Raphael locked us out of the dojo! He's - "

Splinter glanced over and calmly raised a steel sheet that acted as a window cover to the dojo. Mikey snorted. "Ah, man. We forgot about the windows."

The three of them peered into the dojo and fell silent.

* * *

><p>"<em>Ichi<em>," he said carefully, eyeing her.

The redhead looked back at her friend and studied him with a tearful gaze as he moved gracefully into a _kata_, a pose with one leg extended and the center of his torso low, one arm crooked and the other outstretched.

April sniffled. After a long moment, she moved, painfully slow and shaking, into a mirrored version of his position. Tears continued to fall and her body threatened to fall, but she held strong. After several seconds, Raphael slid into another position.

"_Ni_," he counted.

April mimicked his motion, her body quivering.

Ignorant of their captivated audience, the two moved from one position to the other, their movements growing more confident with each pose. Raphael watched, his eyes flickering with uncertain emotions as he watched the tiny girl in front of him move in response to his words. Her eyes were still glassy and her clothes were a wreck, but she wasn't sobbing and with every passing moment, her body grew stronger and more certain.

"_San_."

* * *

><p>"I think it is safe to leave them be," Master Splinter said quietly to his other two sons. "Don't you?"<p>

The other two nodded, equal parts amazed and confused. Splinter closed the shutter again, cutting off Raphael's orders and leaving the two of them alone to their therapy.

* * *

><p>Author's Note: There ya go, folks.<p>

**Disclaimer**: I edited the CPR scene upon some advice from a reviewer. Thank you! It's still pretty vague but really, guys. Don't try any life-saving techniques you read about in fanfics. They're probably old and inaccurate because they were derived from a Career Discovery class in 1999 (cough).


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Who am I kidding? I love this fandom too much to stop writing these little ficlets. Not that I don't have an X-Men story I should be working on instead. I'll get to that.

Anyway, if you enjoy these stories, please drop me a line and let me know. It would be much appreciated. Otherwise, enjoy.

* * *

><p>"So I enrolled you back in school."<p>

April O'Neil dropped the hand that had been adjusting her fallen ponytail, her face shifting into a mixture of disbelief and irritation. "_What?" _

In front of her, Raphael smirked. He was holding a piece of printed paper in his three-fingered hand, the other occupied with twirling one of his sai. "You heard me. I e-mailed the school board, told 'em I was your legal guardian and re-enrolled you." He leaned against the doorway of the dojo. He and April had just finished their - now daily - round of _kata. _She was, at the very least, meeting him on her own free will now. For whatever that was worth. They usually spent the entire lesson arguing about what constituted as "attitude" and who had the most of it.

April huffed and moved away, falling onto one of the dojo mats and picking at her shorts with a frustrated growl. "I'm not ready, Raph."

The red-banded turtle made an annoyed noise. "Says who?"

"Says me!" April snorted in anger. "I can't go back there yet, I can't do it."

"Yeah, well." Raphael dropped in front of her and poked her shoulder, as he was oft to do when she was already on the verge of losing it. Her exercises with Raphael often devolved into shouting matches since he'd started forcing them on her. On one hand, they were soothing. On another, he pushed her buttons on purpose. Raphael acted as if he didn't know what he was doing but April suspected he was just trying to keep her from falling into an apathetic pile of nothingness again.

"I think you can," he said finally, as if that was the end of the discussion. April stood up and folded her arms in the imitation of a threat. Raphael matched her stance, making a much more imposing figure.

"And if I were you," he grinned as he felt a growing sense of accomplishment at her fury, "...I would wash my clothes." April hissed between her teeth.

"Because," Raphael continued. "You look like a homeless person."

"I'm not going, Raphael! You can't drag me in there and throw me into a desk like you did here!"

"Yeah, that's true," he admitted idly, twirling his sai. "But if you don't, I still got someone on speed-dial who can make you go." April's brows furrowed. "What? Who?"

"Mikey."

April rolled her eyes. "What could Mikey possibly - "

"CAAAAAAAAAAN YOU FEEEEEEEEEEL THE LOOOO - O-O -O-O-O-O- VE TONIGHTTTTTTTTTT?"

The caterwauling - for there was no other word for it - pierced the lair like a banshee's shriek. Raphael pointed at the doorway with a sai. "You hear that shit? That's not even him TRYING to be annoying." He stood and flashed a quick grin at April's growing expression of disbelief and horror. "Can you imagine sitting down to watch tv, read a book, go to sleep and hear - "

"LOOOOOOOOOOVEEEEEE IS WHEREEEEE THEY -" Michelangelo's voice reached a piercing new octave. Raphael and April cringed in unison. " - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAREEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"That's so awful," she groaned, covering her ears. "I've never heard him do that!"

"That's because we usually hit him before he gets to the chorus," Raphael shouted over the noise until Mikey's footsteps led him away and some semblance of peace settled over them again. He folded his arms and gave April a most satisfied look. "So?"

"So what?" she groused, looking nervously at the door.

"So go to school or that voice will follow you into your fucking dreams, that's what." He waved the white paper at her again and this time April snatched it from his hands. "Fine!" Her eyes flickered over the text and then lifted to Raphael, strawberry blond brows furrowed.

"What the hell, Raph? You only enrolled me in two classes." She put a hand on her hip. "And they're _gym and woodshop._"

Raphael smirked and lifted one shoulder in a shrug.

"It's what I'd take."

* * *

><p>"I'm gonna teach you something new today."<p>

April shifted her folded legs and looked at Raphael expectantly. He was sitting in front of her with a leather pouch in his large hands. When he emptied it into his hands, a bundle of razor sharp metal pieces toppled out.

"Throwing stars!" she exclaimed, something of a smile ghosting over her face.

"_Shuriken_, yeah." Raphael's lips lifted a little at her animated expression. "These are actually the first weapons Mikey learned to use, and I'll teach them to you for the same reason Master Splinter taught 'em to Mikey." He tapped her shoulder. "Because you're small."

April wrinkled her nose at him but her face quickly fell into captivated interest once more. She scooted a bit closer and inspected the weapons in Raph's hand.

"He may not really look like it now, but when we were all kids, Mikey was real small. So Master taught him these to show him that you don't have to pack a big punch to do some damage." Raph held up one in front of April's face and let her carefully take it in her hand. "Be careful," he warned her, showing her how to hold them without being cut. He shifted to his knees in front of her.

"If you use these wrong, all you're gonna do is piss someone off. But if you use 'em right, you can ruin someone's day real fast." Raphael stood, still holding three stars. April watched, fascinated, as he pointed to a human-shaped target on the other side of the dojo, some thirty feet away. Then, with lightning quickness, he pulled back and buried three stars deep into the head of the target.

April's lips parted in surprise. "Wow," she murmured, trying to imagine what that would feel like. She touched her face and grimaced. Ouch. Raphael reached out a hand to her and she took it without thinking, letting him pull her up with much more grace than he had done so in the past.

"Sometimes I forget how dangerous you guys can be," she murmured, her expression giving way to thoughtfulness once more. Raphael blinked over at her, unsure of how to take her words. He pushed them away.

"Alright, put that down." He took away the weapon and left her bare-handed. For the next half-hour, he made her practice "throwing" without using any weapons at all. After he felt satisfied, he took up two of the stars and held it between two of his fingers, blades up. "Hold it like this, see? And when you let go, you move your wrist without letting - " he pointed, making certain April saw the placements. " - these fingers touch."

He placed them in her hand, but when she tried to fit them between her fingers, the movement was awkward and unnatural on her. He snorted a little and took her small hand in his, green fingers working over hers to position them better. For a moment, he was confused.

"You got too many fingers," he muttered. His eyes jerked up when April laughed. It was a soft, airy sound, one that was almost too quiet to count. Still, he'd heard it, and April's lips were still up-turned so he knew it had been real.

He smiled a bit to himself. He hadn't heard April laugh in over half a year.

He finally figured out the right movement of her fingers and then he curled them into a loose fist. "Remember, this ain't like throwin' a damn baseball." He paused. "Not that I think you can throw a baseball."

April pursed her lips and pushed at his plastron. He snickered and backed off, hands up.

The redhead steadied her feet, stared down the target as if she had a personal vendetta, and then cast her shot. Raphael winced when one cut through a tapestry and the other shattered a teacup several feet away from the target. April flinched and then gasped, her eyes wide as she turned to Raphael.

"Oh, shit. Was that Master's - "

"Raphael!" came Splinter's voice from the living area. "What was that _breaking?_"

"New ninja lesson! Disappear!" Raphael exclaimed, and this time April's laughter was unmistakable as the two of them dashed out of the dojo and away.

* * *

><p>The warning bell trilled through the schoolyard, but April O'Neil still refused to move.<p>

She was there, standing on the sidewalk as people rushed around her, talking excitedly and greeting old friends. She had a new backpack and a set of new clothes (though she had gotten to washing her old ones for the first time in months) and she had managed to fix the pitiful excuse of a schedule Raph had made her. She was, by all definitions, ready.

But she wasn't. All the noise, the voices, the chaos and bright lights. It was all one dig after another at her misery, at the heavy cloak of darkness she'd used to keep everyone at bay after... Donnie. Seeing the other kids her age move around her as if nothing had happened made her want to scream. _Don't you know he's dead_, she wanted to shout.

No, April decided. She couldn't do it, Raph was wrong, she was leaving -

April turned and swiftly pushed through a crowd of people, her sneakers pounding against the sidewalk as she cut through the grassy outdoor eating area next to the school. Without warning, a hand suddenly snatched her off her path and tugged her into a grove of hedges.

April shrieked, but a hand quickly clamped over her mouth.

"And just where do you think you're goin', huh?"

Her eyes widened and the hand dropped. April panted, her eyes darting around wildly. "Raph, what are you _doing _here? It's broad daylight!" She quickly pushed him further into the bushes. "What if someone sees you?"

"I'm a green turtle in a green bush." Wry.

April made a face at him.

"And a ninja, so don't worry about me. It's you we're talking about here." He grabbed April's shoulders and held her steady in front of him, even as her gaze shifted away and she sighed, her face crumbling with shame.

"I tried, Raph.." she murmured, suddenly looking sad. "I thought - I thought I could, but there's just too ... too much. I don't know. In my head." She reached up to grip her head, but his arms were blocking her. Her hands fell on the front of his plastron instead. Raphael's eyes briefly flickered at her hands. April stepped a bit closer and let her head fall so that the tip of it rested on his cool front. "Please don't make me, Raph."

Raphael pushed himself to be firm again. It was surprisingly difficult.

"Hey, now. What'sa matter with this place anyway? Come on, you love school," he prodded, his voice quiet. "Think about how much fun you'll have doin' all those assignments and experiments and stuff. It's your thing."

"It was," she corrected, her face still hidden from him, but her frustration clear. Her fingers curled a bit against his plastron. "I have no _thing _anymore."

"No, we're done with that thinking, remember?" Raphael moved one of the hands on her arm to the back of her head, which prompted her to finally meet his gaze. "You're great at school. You love bein' there, for _some _reason." April sniffled and glanced up briefly, but she quickly shook her head again. "I can't. I'm not ready."

Raphael made a face, his fingers on the back of her neck making reflexive little circles against the back of her hairline. "Alright, fine," he said finally, as if in defeat. "Really?" April asked, exhaling in relief.

"Yeah, I mean," Raphael peered between the bushes. "If you wanna wait, that's cool. It's just a shame, though. 'Bout that new library. You won't get to see it."

April tilted her head and wiped at a tear. "New library?"

"Yeah," Raphael grunted. "New library your school built. School people sent out some kind of e-mail about it. Just opened up this year, three stories, best one in the city. They say it's got like, I don't know, a shit ton of books and these big fancy reading areas with tablets and computers for dorky little students to use." He released the hand at her neck and waved it carelessly. "Think it even said somethin' about a ten different books clubs that would be meeting there. Pretty lame, huh?"

April was already craning her neck to peer through the bushes.

"Wh - Where is it?" she asked timidly. Raphael smirked inwardly but he kept his face apathetic. "Uh, round that cafeteria I think." April leaned further and then squealed.

"Oh, I see it! Wow - that - wow, that looks so cool." Raphael bit back a grin, though it threatened to seep through when April turned back to him and smiled just a bit, the last of her tears drying at the corners of her eyes. "Well, maybe I could just.. try half a day. Just to see how it goes."

Raphael shrugged. "Well, if you think you can..." he eyed her carefully.

"I think so," she said, taking a deep breath and straightening her backpack. She moved as if to step away and then paused. "They think you're my guardian, so if I need to - to call you to come get me, you can, right? I mean, incase - "

"Yeah, I'll be here." The weight of her smile made him shift uncomfortably. "Not goin' to any PTA meetings, though," he added, and to his relief, April's smile grew. "Thanks Raph," she said quickly, tugging him into a tight hug. He patted her back, a peculiar sense of dread filling him. When she moved to hurry away, he touched her arm.

"Really. Call me, if you need me, right?"

April watched his face carefully for a moment and then nodded, reaching up to touch his hand briefly. "I will."

Raphael released her and she disappeared out of the bushes, flying into the double doors of the school just as the last bell trilled.

* * *

><p>She didn't call him.<p>

Well, not until the end of the day anyway. When he picked up his t-phone, her voice on the other end was illuminated.

"Raph, I had the BEST day! My Advanced Chem teacher - he is SO cool, he did this thing - well, I'll have to show you later on, but it was SO neat and he's going to show us how to do it soon! And one of my old friends, Melanie, she moved away like four years ago, but now she's back in town and she was in my English class! I haven't talked to her for years, Raph, but we just picked right back up where we left off!"

Raphael chuckled into his phone, one leg jumping out to kick Mikey so he'd turn down the tv volume. He was seated on the couch with his younger brother, who was currently smashing buttons on a video game controller.

"That's great," he told her, one hand coming up to hold his reclined head.

"Yeah, and the library you mentioned is every bit as amazing as it sounded. There were all kinds of new sections and three new librarians. The language section alone is massive. I checked out five books today already - that's the max, they wouldn't let me take more - "

Raphael snickered to himself, shaking his head at the ceiling. "Dork."

" - I even found some on ancient Japanese martial arts I thought you might be interested in, so I got that for you. It also has some really, really beautiful illustrations in it. I showed it to Melanie, she thought it was cool, too." Raphael's stomach twisted oddly at the repeated mention of April's new friend. It was a good sign, he told himself. Hanging out with other girls, other humans, was what she was _supposed _to be doing.

He'd done his job. He'd gotten her out of bed, into something with purpose and back into school. She could handle the rest from here. She probably wouldn't even need to come back for training with him. As soon as she got back into the social life of a normal human teenage girl, she'd be meeting friends, cheering at ballgames, going to the movies.

_This is good_, Raph told himself, unsure why the thought made a weight settle over his chest. He growled inwardly. What a selfish piece of shit he was, for even having a second's baleful thought about April spending time away from the lair. She needed this. She deserved it.

"Oh, and Raph, about tonight's training - "

Here it was. She was already going to cancel, probably to hang out with her friend. Why did that make him feel so ... strange?

" - I want to look at this book and see if we can't try out some of the forms, okay? Some of them are brand new and I think it would be cool."

Raphael blinked at the ceiling, his mind sputtering for a moment before he finally managed a grunt. "Uh, yeah. Sure." The weight shifted and broke away, just a bit. "Alright, I'll see you later! Bye!" The phone disconnected and Raphael dropped his arm, fingers turning over the t-cell absently.

God damn it.

* * *

><p>Author's Note: Short. I need bed.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Wow, I'm pretty excited about all the readers and follows! Thank you for the reviews, guys. I'll continue to update this in a one-shot fashion. It will, of course, all follow the same story line. I'm just too lazy to make it into a cohesive story.

Enjoy!

* * *

><p>They had gotten into a routine of <em>making it work.<em>

Training was a different sort of beast without their brother. For one, the number of turtles was now odd and one of them had to train with Master Splinter in Donnie's place. That in itself was not a terrible thing, but sometimes Raphael felt like the true education of the experience was lost. It wasn't anything he cared to share with anyone, mostly because certain family members (_Leonardo_) thought he never valued the lessons anyway. Why challenge those prejudices? Let stupid Leo think what he wanted.

But the truth of the matter was that the training continued on, even though sometimes it was awkward and stilted and everyone seemed to have trouble finding their rhythm. Those were the _good _days. On the bad days, like today, no one in the family could seem to figure out how to move, think, fight. They never talked about it, but it always fell on them all at the same time.

As if today was the first day they trained without Donnie.

Raphael left the dojo in a quiet but steadily building rage that had him stomping for the punching bag. He stopped, though, when he spotted Michelangeo on the corner of his bed, bedroom door cracked. His head was bowed and his posture was slumped, elbows sitting heavily on his kneepads. He wasn't doing or saying anything.

He was just ...sitting.

Raphael watched his little brother for a few minutes, his insides burning and frothing because he knew that today was going to be a _bad _day and he just wanted someone or something to take it out on. Mikey, though. While Raphael was seething, the orange-banded brother was unnaturally still.

Leonardo appeared at Raphael's side and followed his gaze. When he saw their unmoving brother, he glanced at the turtle next to him and they both nodded. Without another word, they joined Mikey on the edge of the bed and looped arms around his back.

"I know, Mikey," Raphael muttered, clasping a hand on his other brother's head. "I know, man."

* * *

><p>"I told you this would happen."<p>

"Calm down, Raph. It's just a sprained ankle!"

Raphael grunted and carefully descended the steps into the living area, taking care not to jostle April O'Neil, who was currently tucked into his arms. "I don't know why - I tell you every damn day - do not move your left foot when you're attacking like that, you're just throwin' yourself off balance - "

"I knowwww," April groaned, wincing just a bit as Raphael set her on the couch and reached up a three-fingered hand, slowly drawing her injured leg out until it was extended. "Besides, I'm not worried about it." She shifted on the couch and smirked up at him. "I'm going to get you back."

Raphael rolled his eyes and stepped off to the side to get the First Aid Kit. "Oh, yeah? You gonna science me to death?"

"Maybe," she said loftily, reclining against the couch arm.

"Yeah, well, you make me watch one more of those damn global warming videos and it just might do the trick." Raphael sat down on the edge of the couch next to April's hip. "Hey!" the redhead exclaimed. "That stuff is important!"

He scoffed. "Not to a turtle livin' in the sewer, it ain't." Raph brought up the kit and set it in his own lap, fingers puzzling through the various pieces and instruments. "I got news for you, April. I'm already part of an endangered species. If I give a damn about _anything, _it sure as hell ain't gonna be some clouds and shit."

Raphael peered up just in time to see April fight to hide a grin. "You didn't even pay the slightest bit of attention to that video, did you?"

"Nope," he said quickly, pulling out a disinfectant - her ankle had a small cut - and some muscle relaxer. He also tossed out a bunch of bandages. Someone - probably Mikey - was throwing things around in the kitchen and April pulled herself up to peer over the back of the couch. Raphael snatched her hip and pushed her back down on the couch, earning a grunt from the teenage girl. "Hey, be still."

His fingers flexed just a bit and then released her, his fingers tingling curiously. He hadn't meant to touch her bare skin, but she'd tied up her loose tank-top halfway through their training session and left most of her middriff exposed. Raphael had seen her in less - swimming, for example - but for some reason, there was something about today that felt strangely charged.

He averted his gaze and focused on her swollen ankle.

Carefully working off her sock, Raphael took stock of his supplies and pressed some cream onto his fingertips, something that would help take away a bit of the pain and swelling. However, when he turned to April's ankle, situated just near his knees on the couch, he paused. He knew how to do this. It wasn't that he didn't know _how. _

And now it wasn't even April's exposed skin that had him hesitating.

Down the couch, the redhead looked up at him and her brows furrowed. "What is it, Raph?" she asked, toes curling next to his kneepad. Raphael glanced up at her quickly and then looked down again, his fingers twitching.

"I, uh." His head swam. He let out a short, rough laugh, hoping it would hide his discomfort and the painful honesty behind his next words. "I just, I ... I wish I was better at this."

"Better at what?" asked April.

Raphael sucked in a quiet breath, his eyes staring unblinkingly at her bruised skin. He didn't want to answer, and he tried to make his tone as light as possible, but it came out cracked and faulty anyway.

"Better at bein' gentle," came the final admission. "You know. Like _he _was."

Silence reigned. Raphael continued to hover near her ankle, his shoulders giving a little heave every few moments as he steeled himself to continue and then stopped. All he was doing was treating a simple sprained ankle, but all he could think over and over again was about how _rough _he was. How unruly and violent.

Sure, he could wrap a wound. He knew how. But the difference between what he could do and what Donatello could do was like the difference between a student playing Mozart and hearing the man himself.

He could replicate the movements. He could match the tempo. But he would never, ever be able to make it _feel _like Donnie could because he wasn't Donnie and his hands were his own.

He must have sat there a while because finally, April shifted forward and carefully maneuvered her injured leg over his knees on the couch. Raphael looked up in surprise to find April sitting right next to him, both of her legs settled over his and her head leaned against his shoulder. She was practically sitting in his lap to keep her leg propped up and not dangling over the edge of the furniture. The intimacy of the pose was startling and not at all lost on either of them, judging from the way April timidly touched his bicep.

"I wouldn't be alive to feel anything at all if it weren't for you, Raph."

He glanced at up her and met her gaze, his hands now in the small space between his own plastron and the sides of her thighs. "I trust you," she told him confidently. Raphael blinked at her, his expression shifting into a rare motion of thoughtfulness. He turned and glanced down the length of her leg, her toes now brushing the opposite end of the couch. He took more of the cream in his hand and, as tenderly as he could manage, he pulled her leg up so that it bent at the knee and the ankle was within easy reach again. Then he smoothed the cream over the swollen joint and covered the little cut as well. When he was done, he maneuvered out from underneath her and took up the wrappings without another word. When he was done, April smiled at him.

"See? You did great."

Raphael flickered his gaze over her and then quickly shook his head, as if to clear it. He tossed the remaining supplies in the kit. "Nice try, suck up." He picked up the kit and tossed her a couch pillow. "I'm still kickin' your ass when you get back to training."

April made an indignant noise of offense as he walked away, but she didn't mention the appreciative touch to her shoulder as Raphael passed by.

* * *

><p>Just like it was for the turtles, some days were better than others for April.<p>

Sometimes Raphael would catch her staring off into space with tears in her eyes. Other days, she was irrationally angry in the sort of wild and vehement way Raphael had always thought of as uniquely his own.

And then sometimes, like on the one year anniversary of Donnie's death, she would cry for such a long time that the tears zapped her strength and kept her from school. Raphael tried not to give her too hard a time about those days. He knew they were inevitable. But by god, he hated them _so much _because it always made him feel as helpless as he had that day.

* * *

><p>"Raphael, I'm ready!"<p>

"No."

"Yes! I want to do something other than stretches. My ankle is MUCH better!"

"Bullshit," Raphael watched her from where he stood on the dojo mat, a toothpick twitching in his fingers. "You know what I'd say if I was a bad guy right now?"

April raised both brows expectantly. He popped the toothpick into his mouth and pointed.

"Sweep the leg."

"Oh my god." April dragged her hands down her face and fell over dramatically on the mat, making Raphael smirk and step over her. "If you wanna do anything, you better get over here. And minus two points for bitching, by the way."

April plopped down in front of him ungracefully. "Oh," she said sardonically. "So I have a point system now?" Raphael nodded, twitching the toothpick in his mouth. He assumed a cross-legged position, which April mirrored. "And where is this point system being kept up, huh?"

Raphael tapped his head. "It's all up here," he said with a smirk.

"I see," April muttered, tugging at her toes and popping them loudly. "And what do I get if I get a _lot _of points?" Raphael shrugged. "I dunno, but you're at -20 right now, so I ain't too worried about it."

April made a face.

"Besides," Raphael continued. "I'm just havin' fun thinking about all the stuff I _could _make you do to settle on anything final just yet." A pause floated between them and Raphael's eyes twisted up as he made the mental effort to steer his thoughts away from the lurid. April cleared her throat and he quickly looked away, though he couldn't have missed the little smirk of hers if he'd tried.

They stretched for a few minutes in silence before April spoke up suddenly.

"Oh, hey. Do you remember that creepy guy I told you about from school, the one who was always bothering me in class and practically stalking me?"

Raphael raised both brow ridges. "Uhhh.."

_".. and if you even LOOK at April O'Neil one more time," he hissed in the boy's ear from behind, sai pressed tight against the sensitive skin of his throat. "I will come inta' your house on 29th and Main, find you in your fucking bed and choke you to death with hair from your little sister's baby dolls." _

"Mm, nope, don't ring a bell."

April rolled her eyes. "Well," she continued pointedly. "He just transferred out of all my classes all the sudden! I haven't seen him in three days. Weird, huh?"

"Yeah," Raphael agreed languidly, leaning back against the mat with no small amount of satisfaction. "Weird."

* * *

><p>"Why the hell didn't you say anything to <em>me, <em>Leo?"

Raphael barely contained the redhot anger that threatened to take control of his limbs and consequently break shit. Leo had that effect on him.

"Why should I? What, are you her keeper now?"

The two turtles glared at each other from opposite sides of the kitchen. Leo, as usual, took a moment to collect himself and cool his gaze at his hot-tempered brother. "Look, we're not any closer to finding the Kraang or Shredder than we were a damn year ago. All the equipment we were using to track them is in Donnie's lab and April's the only person in the world who knows how to use it."

Raphael scowled, his arms crossed. "She doesn't need that stress, Leo." He hopped over a low table and stood face to face with his brother in blue. "She's got her own shit going on."

"She agreed, Raph. Just like I knew she would," Leo argued in his all-suffering tones, as if the great effort it took to be patient with Raphael was something only he could acquire. "She wants to catch them just as badly as we do."

"And you don't think her goin' in there and usin' all of Donnie's old shit isn't going to make her sad as hell as again?" Raphael exclaimed, his brows furrowed. "What if she goes back to the way she was? What if she relapses? For God's fucking sake, Leo, you didn't see her like I saw her!" Every word became increasingly forced, his breath running thin as his chest pounded. He barely noticed the steadily widening expression in his brother's eyes.

"She was fucking dead, Leo! She was dead! I can't - I can't let that happen again," Raphael's anger sputtered and died, his green eyes caught between confusion and distress. Leo fell silent and instead focused on Raphael for several moments.

Raphael glanced up and then turned away immediately, uncomfortable under the scrutiny.

"Raph," Leo started quietly, his arm reaching out to touch his brother's shoulder. Raphael shrugged him off. He didn't want Leo to feel him shaking. "Is this.. about something else?"

"Like _what, _Leonardo?" Raphael turned to face him again, his gaze hard and daring Leo to bring it up. _Give me a fucking reason, Leo. One fucking reason to take this confusing shit out on you. _

Leo let his hand drop and he simply shook his head. Raphael raged on the inside, his feelings an amalgamation of affection for his brother's concern (and his intuitive observations) and dissatisfaction that he always seemed to be so easy to read.

"Nah, Leo." Raphael finally answered as he walked away. "It ain't about nothing else."

* * *

><p>Bottles clinked. Raphael reclined on his rooftop perch. "Where'd you get these anyway?"<p>

"From the convenience store down the road, man. That guy never checks IDs," Casey Jones tipped back a beer and took a satisfied gulp. "Hell, I think YOU could go in there and get a six-pack if you wanted."

Raphael snickered and took a generous drink of his own beer. Wind whistled around them and every once in a while, Casey's boots made a thud against the brick wall of the dilapidated apartment building. They lapsed into silence for a little while, each enjoying their own drinks and the various noises drifting up from the New York City streets.

"So how's things with you and April?"

Raphael almost dropped his drink. "What?" he asked, his expression guarded. Casey raised a dark brow at him from underneath a dirty bandana. "Your training, bro? Aren't you the one keeping her on her toes and shit?"

"Oh," Raphael looked away and took another drink. "Yeah, that's.. that's goin' good, ya know. She's working on stuff." The turtle finished his drink and reached for another. Leo would be pissed. Made it all the sweeter.

"That's good," Casey said with a nod. "I was pretty worried about her after all that stuff happened. I mean, she shut me down pretty hard, but that doesn't mean I want her to be all sad and shit. She's still a friend."

Raphael swished around the bottle in his fingertips. "Yeah," he grunted in agreement, falling silent once more. After a little while, Casey stood up and started knocking hockey pucks off the roof, one after another, hooting and calling out every time one smashed into the abandoned building across the road. Raphael smirked and watched, his legs kicking lightly in the wind.

"Hey Case," Raph said without turning around. "Huh?" the teenage boy asked, pulling back his hockey stick for another swing. "What did April say to you when she ... I dunno, when she told you she didn't wanna date ya?"

Casey raised both brows and then swung the hockey stick, sending a puck flying into a partially broken window nearby. "Um, that I was immature... and pig-headed.. " he screwed up his face in thought. "And I think she called me dumb. I mean, not in like a really obvious way. I think she was just thinking it really, really loud." He pulled a golf ball out of his pocket and dropped it onto the roof. "Really, though, she said somethin' like - I don't know, she's got too much instability in her life as it is. I don't blame her I guess."

He smashed the ball into the opposite building.

"That was almost two years ago, though. Why're you askin' now?"

Raphael shrugged, his face turned away. "I dunno. I mean, she just - never dated you and she never really gave Donnie an answer. I just wondered..." He tossed his empty beer bottle aside.

"Who the hell is she waitin' for?"

* * *

><p>Author's Note: I don't have a beta and I write this on Wordpad. So... yeah.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: Thank you SO much for the reviews, guys! To **Novus** in particular, I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your comments and not just because they were very sweet. I was glad to hear about the tragedy of the story as much as the romance. And to **cutegenius **- I edited the first chapter a bit, thank you for your input. (: Don't try anything I write about at home, kids! CPR and ninja stuff included.

Sidenote: When I receive reviews in my e-mail, for some reason always censors the swear words. Only in my e-mail, though. It made me laugh once I realized that's what they were doing. Until I took a look at the website, I thought everyone was just being very polite. Ha!

On to the story.

* * *

><p>"Well, lookee here, boys. I got April's report-card in my e-mail."<p>

Raphael reclined in the computer chair and smirked over his shoulder. April popped up her head from where she sat on the floor in front of the couch, shifting through a box of movies with Mikey.

"Really? Open it!" she squealed. Leo glanced up from the couch and raised a brow ridge. "Do they seriously still think you're her guardian? Because that's pretty scary."

"No shit." Raphael clicked on the computer. "Your school needs to update their security, April. I could be a mutant livin' in the sewer for all they know." When the e-mail loaded, Raphael leaned forward eagerly. "Alright, let's see.. " April instantly appeared over his shoulder, rocking his rolling chair momentarily. He cast her an annoyed look and then continued.

"'A' in English... 'A' in Physics.. 'A' in Advanced Chemistry.." he scrolled down. He paused and tried to contain a grin. "A _'B' _in AP History? April!"

April shrieked indignantly and jumped over the side of the chair, promptly landing in Raphael's lap. His eyes widened and he jerked up his hands in a surrender. April had already pulled both of them flush up to the computer desk, though, her blue eyes narrowed.

"What in the _hell?_" she exclaimed, thumbing through the screen and reading over the text. "How could I get a B?" She gasped dramatically and whirled in Raphael's lap to look at him, her expression aghast. "It was that group project! It dragged down my grade - _Ooooh_!" she growled. Raphael's lips twitched at a smirk but he managed to contain his laughter, his hands finally dropping down on the chair arms as he watched April twist back to the computer, his knees temporarily trapped beneath her.

"I'm going to e-mail the principal right now," she said, that look of fierce determination Raphael was so familiar with flitting across her face. He glanced over at his brothers, both of whom were trying not to laugh at April's distress.

"A B's still good, right?" Mikey tried, but it was no use. April was on a mission.

"Dear Mr. Whitmore," she read aloud as she typed, her fingers clicking on the keys a little more aggressively than necessary. "My _ward _April O'Neil would like to meet with you in order to discuss the impact of a group project on the semester average of her AP History Class. I do not feel _my _April - "

Raphael rolled his eyes.

" - should be punished for the negligence and disregard of other students. She will meet with you on Monday at eight a.m." April smirked at the computer screen and then stomped out the last few keys.

"Signed, Raphael Hamato. _Send_."

April leaned back a bit, apparently satisfied. Raphael shifted his legs underneath her and drummed his fingers on the chair arms. "Are you done?" he asked dryly, mostly in an effort to hide his discomfort. April turned in his lap again, and a secret part of him thanked a sweet merciful God he was not built like a human male.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I interrupt your porn search time?" she asked with a smirk. Raphael cut his eyes at her, but he quickly averted them when she pushed away from his lap - her hand _d_ange_rously _low on his front plastron - and hopped off the chair. "Come on, Mikey. We'll go to the RedBox and rent something."

"Suh-weet!" the youngest brother jumped up and followed April out of the living area, leaving only Leo to behind to stifle his laughter as Raphael followed April with a startled glare. He scowled darkly at his oldest brother. It only grew deeper still when Leo walked by and patted his shoulder.

"Better start deleting that browser history, brother."

* * *

><p>He was so caught up in what he was doing, he didn't hear her come in.<p>

_What the hell were they thinking? _It wasn't time, not yet. It just wasn't. Raphael pounded his fist into the aged punching bag, his mind nothing but a haze of wordless rage that occasionally turned into curses.

The wooden beams that supported his punching bag creaked ominously - years of abuse had done little to stabilize it - but Raphael ignored everything except the raw feeling of his knuckles slamming into the cracked plastic.

Clean out his room. _Clean out Donatello's room. _Why? No one needed that room! How could mother fucking Leo even _say _that?

Raphael spun and kicked the heavy bag. The stinging pain from the impact was gratifying. Another creak.

What the hell would they even do with all of Donnie's shit? Store it somewhere else? Throw it away? He'd be damned. He'd be _god fucking damned, _Leo that sorry, traitorous son of a _bitch - _

"Um, Raphael?"

"_WHAT?!" _

The yell was punctuated by one last powerful kick to the back and suddenly the wood splintered and broke. Raphael barely had time to react before he saw April duck to the floor, arms over her head and a heavy beam of wood sailing _just through _where she'd been standing seconds before.

The punching bag crashed to the floor just behind April in a pile of old wood and bolts, the largest and heaviest piece falling with a thud that echoed throughout the lair. When the clatters and clangs finally stopped, the only sound was Raphael's heavy breathing and April's hesitant shuffling as she slowly stood again, her eyes wide.

She looked back at Raphael, her lips parted in surprise and - it was unmistakable - a bit of fear. Perhaps not of him, but simply of retrospect.

"April... Fuck, I'm - " Raphael's voice broke, green eyes briefly flickering back to the broken remnants of his punching bag stand. "I'm .. sorry," he muttered, his voice barely more than a whisper even though they stood several feet apart. April watched him uncertainly for a long moment, her expression shifting between anger at his lack of self-control and pity at his obvious shock.

Finally, she stepped forward - edging around some ghastly looking pieces of splintered wood - and climbed the few steps to the low platform Raphael seemed rooted to.

"Are you okay?" he asked, his gaze finally moving from the floor to travel up to her face. April's lips quirked at a smile. "I was just about to ask you the same thing."

Raphael let out a breathy, humorless laugh. "You're the one who just almost got your damn head taken off," he growled quietly, his expression taking on a hint of anger again as he looked over her shoulder at the mess he'd caused. He was always doing this shit. He could have really _hurt _her. He expected her to be angry. Like him, April was known for being wicked when her temper flared.

A small, cool hand curled around the inside of his bicep. "Come on," April tugged him gently. "I'll help you clean this up."

Raphael let her lead him away.

* * *

><p><em>Tap. Tap. Tap.<em>

April O'Neil's face peeked out from the doorway of her bedroom. "It's open!" she called to the window. Raphael scowled and opened the glass, quickly shutting it again and flicking the little switch on the top.

"Damn it, April," Raphael said as soon as he stepped into the living room, his real reason for visiting briefly forgotten. "I'm gonna nail your damn window shut if you don't start lockin' it. You didn't even know I was coming."

April re-appeared, her hands working her long hair into a ponytail. "So?"

"So you live alone in New York City. Any creep could find his way in here."

"I live on the fifth floor!"

"Fuck it, I'm nailin' it shut tomorrow."

April smirked. "Then how would _you _and your brothers get in?" She finished her hair and straightened her loose grey top. Raphael rolled his eyes. "I'll put on street clothes and use the front door." He poked her shoulder as soon as she was close enough. "Lock your window."

"What's that?" April ignored him and plucked the forgotten book from his hand. Raphael resisted the urge to pop her in the face like he did Mikey. "Ooh, it's the library book!"

"Yeah, you told me before it was due back tomorrow but you forgot it at the lair," he said with another eye-roll. "Thought I'd return it to ya before I went out on patrol." April smiled at him so suddenly it was disarming. Six months ago, he would have killed someone - literally - to see her smile like that. And he still would. It was just disconcerting when it was directed at him, without warning and for no real reason at all (his thoughtfulness concerning the library book was forfeit to the fact that he'd been using it as a table prop in April's absence).

Or maybe it was just the fact that April could go from smiling happily to full-on female rage in less than sixty seconds that had him so wary. He'd commented on this once to Master Splinter, but the old rat had just chuckled and said nothing.

"Where're you headin' out this late?" Raphael asked curiously, watching as April looked around the house for her keys and purse. "It's not that late, old man. I'm going shopping with Melanie for prom dresses." April located her keys and phone and threw them both in her mess of a purse. "It's really kinda lame, but we've decided we're going to make it fun." She smirked. "And it's not even for another five months, but we want to get the jump on the shops before everyone else."

Raphael squinted. "The hell is prom?"

The redhead paused. "Oh come on, you've seen it on tv, I know. Big formal dance at the end of the school year? Everyone dresses up all fancy and dances the night away." She grinned.

"Well, that explains why I ain't seen it." Raphael leaned against a counter and stole a piece of candy from April's stash on the counter. He caught April watching him carefully, her eyes briefly casting a glance down his casual stance. "Sounds stupid," he added in an effort to get her attention. April blinked and her thoughtful gaze disappeared. "Yeah, well. It's kind of a rite of passage, ya know?" She smiled to herself and shrugged, her fingers sifting through her purse again.

Raphael inspected his candy wrapper. "So this the kind'a thing you take, ya know, dates to?"

April glanced up quickly and then looked back into her purse, a tiny smirk lifting the corners of her mouth. "Yeah," she said lightly. "It's supposed to be a big deal, who you take." Her smirk widened a bit when Raphael scowled from his position against the counter.

"I bet."

April dropped her purse and crossed the room, stooping briefly to fish her phone charger away from the wall behind the couch. "Yep," she continued, her tone. "And I have a _super hot _date lined up, too."

Raphael crumbled up the candy wrapper and tossed it on the counter. "April, I swear, if you tell me you're takin' Casey Jones, I will scissor kick him in the throat."

April snickered. "He's your friend!"

"My statement stands."

"Well, I'm not taking Casey," she said firmly, blue eyes rolling skyward. "As if." She paused, perhaps for dramatic effect. Then she laughed. "I'm going with Melanie."

Raphael raised both brow ridges. "Your chick friend?" he smirked immediately, his eyes twinkling mischievously. "Didn't know ya swung that way." April immediately shoved his shoulder. "Shut up, it's called going stag with a friend. Lots of people do it."

"I'm not judgin' you. Really, do _whatever _you feel like..." Raphael smirked again, this time barely containing a grin. "... with your lady friend." April shook her head and flipped him off, giggling just a bit. When she glanced back at Raphael, he was poised against her window, one hand skillfully twirling a sai. April paused and he saw that same strange look pass over her face. This time, though, she quickly turned away and resumed her activities.

From behind her, Raphael spoke again. "So what do all the guys who're askin' you to this prom think about you going with your chick friend?" April laughed lightly, shaking her head. "I never said any guys asked me," she responded.

"You didn't have to."

April's fingers paused in her perusal of her purse and a pleased smile warred with a blush for a spot on her face. She turned to face him and saw he was watching her intently. She bit her bottom lip and looked away, suddenly looking for something to do with her hands again.

"A couple of guys have asked me," she admitted, shrugging both shoulders. "But I'm not interested in going with any of them."

"Why not?"

April straightened again, one hand sliding to rest on the hip of her jeans. "I'm just not," she said casually, her eyes raking over Raphael's unintelligible expression. She stepped away from her heavy purse and came to stand in front of where he leaned casually against the framing of the window.

"Why? Do you _want _me to go with a guy?" she asked curiously. The twirling of the sai suddenly stopped. The apartment was eerily quiet for a few long, distinct heartbeats. This time, neither of the turned their peculiar gazes away.

The only movement in the apartment was the motion of Raphael's fingers slowly ghosting his fingers along the edges of the blades in his hand almost absent-mindedly, never so much as glancing in their direction. The question lingered.

A sudden knock at the door jolted them both.

"Yo, April! I'm here, let's go!" a voice sounded from the other side of the door.

April whirled to face the door and covered her pounding heart. "Just one second, Melanie." She drew in a deep breath and turned to face Raphael.

"Hey, you better - "

Nothing. He was gone. April's bit the inside of her cheek as she tried not to laugh. "Go," she finished in a whisper. She touched her flushed cheek with a cool hand and then snatched up her purse. "I'm coming!" she called, taking one last glance at the window before she hurried out of her apartment.

* * *

><p>Click. Click. Click.<p>

April O'Neil rubbed her tired eyes and fought to focus on the screen. She had spent the last week going through the files on Donatello's main lab computer and it was taking all of her efforts not to fall asleep. Donnie had a _lot _of stuff on each of his four computers, many of which was coded in such a fashion that someone who didn't know him would have never been able to navigate it.

The touch of sadness was undeniable. There was something so painfully invasive about using Donnie's equipment without him there, even though she'd shared his lab with him a hundred and one times before his death. Leo had been so cautious in asking her to come do this, but she was glad for it. Sure, she had a million other things she needed to do, but ending the Kraang - and the Shredder - was important for the entire world. Much more so than her Physics homework.

Click. Click. Click.

"Hey girly," Mikey appeared at her side, though she noted he appeared nervous in the lab. She wasn't sure if it was because the memories of Donnie or the other, equally painful memories of his many catastrophic accidents involving lab equipment. April's poor cat jumped most readily to mind. "Brought ya some of that tea you like." He set the cup down away from the keyboard of the desk.

April smiled up at him. "Thanks, Mikey." She sipped the tea and savored the peppermint flavor. She gave the turtle and affectionate nudge in the shoulder before turning back to the screen. "Find anything?" he asked, taking a seat in a different desk chair. April groaned and shook her head. "Lots of stuff, I just don't know what goes with what. His notes were all over the place."

She clicked on a different folder and, to her surprise, a video file popped up. The thumbnail appeared to be a shot of the turtles. April's brow furrowed and she double-clicked on the video. When it popped up on the screen, her lips parted in disbelief.

"Oh, nooooooooo!" Michelangelo groaned beside her before dissolving into laughter.

On the screen, arranging themselves in front of the camera, stood three of the turtles - everyone except Donatello, who was obviously behind the camera - and they all appeared to be very adorably young, maybe no more than seven or eight years old.

Perhaps even better than THAT was the music coming from the background. It was _Shake Ya Tailfeather. _

Their color-coded masks in place, Leonardo, Raphael and Michelangelo quickly shoved and bullied their way into a line before the music really got going. As soon as the siren sounded at the beginning of the song, the three of them burst into a flurry of dance moves.

"You have GOT to be kidding me!" April shrieked, sucking in a deep breath as wild laughter threatened to strangle her. Mikey fell out of his chair, struggling to continue watching as he clutched his sides.

"What in the _hell _are you two laughing at?" Raphael's voice floated into the room as he entered, Leo right behind him. April looked up, her face red with laughter. Somehow, seeing the two of them standing presently - six feet tall and all muscle - made the image on the computer screen all the more hilarious.

Leonardo blinked and quickly looked to the computer screen. If possible, he actually flushed red. "No way!" he exclaimed in horror, his hands jumping to drag down his face. Raphael's expression was even more dramatic, of course.

"What the FUCK - "

"Argh, turn that off!" Leo cried out, scrambling for the keyboard. April quickly jumped in front of him and swatted away his hands. On the screen, child-Leo shrieked and shoved young Raphael out of his way. Their voices were awfully high-pitched.

"That's MY part to dance - "

"You're stupid!"

"No way, your dancing is lame. Mine is cool!" Tiny Raphael shouted over the music. Mini-Mikey, meanwhile, was busy busting out his own moves. Donnie was apparently dancing behind the camera, too, because the view was jumping up and down and hardly focused on one thing.

April fell into another fit of laughter and this time Leonardo joined her. Soon, all of them were crowded around the monitor, ribs aching as they fought to catch their breaths. Even Raphael, flushed and embarrassed as he was, couldn't help but grin.

"I really was the best dancer."

"No way, bro!" Mikey chimed in. "I was and still AM the reigning champ."

"What were you guys even DOING?" April asked incredulously. Leo shrugged. "We wanted to make a music video. Donnie found that little hand-held camera in a dumpster one day and fixed it." He smirked. "We got in HUGE trouble for that, too. Not supposed to be filming ourselves, for obvious reasons." He shook his head. "I had no idea he'd kept that video all these years."

The laughter died down as everyone resumed their normal breathing. The music ended but the video continued, briefly displaying a tussle between Raphael and Leo. The camera view shifted again and a squeaky voice sounded behind the camera.

"Stop it, you guys! Master Splinter's gonna hear us!"

"Hurry, turn the camera off!" Raphael shrieked.

Suddenly, young Donatello appeared in front of the camera, his tongue caught between his teeth as he tried to figure out how to turn off the camera. The laughter in the lab died away, all eyes on the lost brother's face as it floated around the screen.

April swallowed tightly, her chest suddenly tight. She could feel Raphael's hand tense on the back of her desk chair.

"There we go," Donnie giggled, reaching up and turning off the video just as his brothers rolled right into him. The image flickered and then went away, leaving a blank, quiet screen once more. Silence continued in the room for a long, tense moment.

"Man," Mikey murmured, his voice sad. April's hands curled in her lap. She turned suddenly to face the orange-banded brother. "Hey," she said firmly, reaching out and taking his hand.

"Those are _happy _memories."

Michelangelo looked up at her in surprise and then glanced at the computer screen again. "Yeah," he agreed slowly. "Happy." He mustered a small smile. April returned it and glanced briefly at the other two turtles.

"Happy," she repeated resolutely. "We can't let everything about Donnie make us sad. That's not fair to him. So... when we think about him, we think about the happiness. Not the sadness, right Mikey?"

The youngest turtle's smile grew. Some of the tension melted away.

"You're right, April. Happy memories are better." He squeezed her hand gently and then stood, brushing against Leo's front and letting his oldest brother wind an arm around his shoulders. "That's it, Mikey." Leo patted his brother's plastron and turned, leading them both out of the lab. April stood away from the desk and watched them go, taking a few steps towards the door herself. She'd had enough of the lab for tonight.

When she glanced back at the desk, she saw Raphael standing over the computer, his shoulders tight and his expression drawn. His green eyes were narrowed on the computer screen, looking like he'd love nothing more than to put his fist through it.

His fingers twisted to do just that.

When he felt a soft hand suddenly jump into his, though, his grip loosened. He turned his head in surprise, his angry gaze shifting as he found April standing right next to him. He glanced down at their joined hands, his fingers flexing around hers. Instead of letting him press his digits into a bone-crushing grip, April stood at his side and kept her hand in his.

Her other hand found his wrist and curled there.

Raphael's eyes closed briefly, his body shaking with the effort not to yank his hand away, to rage, to throw something or pound it into oblivion. She waited for several long moments, never moving, except to let a digit trace the inside of his wrist.

When he finally re-opened his eyes, she was watching him. "Ready?" she asked gently.

"Yeah," he muttered hoarsely.

* * *

><p>Author's Note: Equal parts sad and hilarious. To me, anyway. (: Thanks for the love, guys! You have no idea how much I appreciate it. I read each of the reviews about five times and I'm grateful for you giving any amount of your time to my stories. Have a good night!<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: Thank you so much for the reviews! **Cutegenius**, again, you deserve a particular mention. Your review was brilliant and encouraging, not to mention eerily accurate. The first scene of this chapter was already written out in my head and it touches on a lot of the things you mention in your review about April's personality. Obviously, either you're very intuitive or I'm just so good at dropping subtle hints even I don't notice them. _The former of these is much more likely. _

Another note. A lot of people have commented on how they feel sorry for Donatello and, believe me, I totally get it. You may not be able to tell from reading this fic, but I am a huge Donnie fan. _Actually_, the idea for this fic came to me as the ENDING for a Donnie/April fic I had floating around in my head for a long time. I haven't written it because it's slightly AU and involves the two of them meeting as children and then reuniting as adults. It would be much darker and more mature than this fic.

* * *

><p><em>"Do you WANT me to go with a guy?"<em>

Even AP Chemistry wasn't enough to hold April O'Neil's attention today. No matter how hard she fought to focus on the lecture, her mind wandered back to that moment just a few nights ago in her living room.

The way he'd looked at her when she'd asked that. No one had ever looked at her like that before.

There was something about the intensity of Raphael's expression, how it had shifted from seemingly disinterested to acute and focused_. _How he'd stilled all movement and then, almost tauntingly, traced the blades of his sai while holding her gaze. There was something else in his face -_daring, _maybe.

The memory of it sent a jolt through April's chest.

The class finished and April stood, gathering her books and carrying her heavy thoughts with her to her locker. However, no sooner had she opened it and dropped her things away than someone appeared very suddenly to her right.

"Hey Red - "

An instinctive jab of April's elbow had Casey Jones skipping across the hallway like a stone on water before crashing in an undignified heap against a row of lockers. April gasped and covered her mouth with her hands. "Oh, Casey! I'm _so _sorry!"

"Holy sh - it," he coughed out, clutching his side.

April hurried across the hallway, flushing as passerby stared. She rushed to offer Casey a hand. He coughed again and squinted up at her. Then he took in a deep breath to rasp out -

"So.. _turned on _- "

April dropped her hand and folded her arms.

"And in pain!" he finished frantically, coughing again for added effect. April rolled her eyes. "Get up, Casey." The teenage boy finally struggled to his feet and rubbed his sternum. "You gotta stop hangin' with ninjas, man." He smirked at her and dropped against a locker with one shoulder. "Shit hurt."

"I really am sorry," April said sincerely, picking up her dropped book and re-opening her locker. "It was kind of a knee-jerk reaction." Casey shrugged. "Nah, it's cool. But hey, I know how you can make it up to me," he grinned. April raised a brow. "Oh, really?"

"Yeah, Red. It's simple - get your girl Melanie to go to prom with me."

April shut her locker and pointed heatedly at Casey. "No way! Melanie is MY date."

"What?" Casey yelped, groaning and thumping his head against the locker. "That's not fair at all! Come on, April, find a dude to go with and let me take your hot friend!"

"No, Casey!" April put a hand on her hip. "We already decided we are _not _going to make this whole thing about men. I mean, I don't know if you've noticed, but I spend pretty much all of my time around _males." _She shifted the book under her arm. "I want this night to be fun and not about stress. Men. Are. Stress." She prodded Casey in the chest. "Case en pointe."

"Well, hell, Red! I was gonna ask _you _but yesterday Raph said something about scissor kicking me and I'm pretty sure he was serious - "

"He was."

" - even though I totally don't get why it's any of his business - "

"It's _not_."

" - and now you're telling me the OTHER hot girl I wanted to take is going with _you? _That sucks!" Casey looked genuinely disappointed as he leaned limply against the blue locker. April patted his shoulder sympathetically. "Look, maybe once we get there, I can convince Melanie to like.. dance with you or something."

Casey perked up and assumed a sultry pose against the locker. "Babe, once you and your lady see Casey Jones in all his formal glory, you won't be able to keep your hands _off _me." April snickered and raised both brows. "Riiiight," she said, turning away to walk to her class. Casey fell into step next to her.

"Think you can save a dance for me, too? Just as friends, I will totally keep my hands to myself."

April laughed a bit. "Yeah, I think I might can handle that."

Casey grinned at her and gave her an affectionate thump on the shoulder. "Glad to have you back, Red." He winked at her and then disappeared around the corner.

* * *

><p><em>I don't give a fuck who you take.<em>

That had been the best - and _only _- appropriate answer to April's question. Unfortunately, he hadn't said or even implied that. Instead, he'd simply stared at her.

Raphael jabbed the needle aggressively through the leather and then cursed himself. He didn't need to fuck this up. He didn't have that much material and he didn't know when he'd be able to get more. Carefully, Raphael pulled away his needle and then re-stitched that area.

Why was he even still _thinking _about this?

April had only been teasing him. She knew all the turtles were protective of her, that she was a part of their family and acted in the role of both mother and sister on more than one occasion. Still.

Raphael easily recalled the various thoughts, some of them more sensations than anything, that had kept him from answering her question. Part of it was curiosity - if whatever her reasoning was for asking the questions might be answered by her, his speaking would only ruin it. The other part of it was his jumbled thoughts had hardly been appropriate.

Part of that instinctive response was arrogance.

_Go ahead and ask any human loser at your school. I'd be able to beat his ass in a second. _

April belonged to a world of supernatural beings, alien machines, highly skilled ninjas and mutants of every shape and form. Some average high school idiot wasn't good enough for even one evening of her time. Yeah, maybe it might have been easier for her to live that life.

But it wasn't enough.

What had coursed through Raphael's body at April's casual question had been a twisting combination of possessiveness, irritation, and the coy, teasing thrill that often entered into their verbal spars.

Raphael shifted the thick sewing needle in his hand and adjusted the leather. He continued.

Maybe it went back to losing Donnie. Maybe if he hadn't - God, if Donnie were still alive then he would be there to keep April sheltered from these potential fucking losers. Anyone who might hurt her.

Maybe, Raphael reasoned to himself, he was intuitively acting in Donatello's stead. It would make sense. _Be the most useful thing I ever did for him, _Raphael thought with an inward growl. He leaned back further in his chair, feet propped up on a coffee table. "Ah, shit - " he ducked on the tip of a finger after stabbing himself. "Fucking needle - "

"Dude."

Raphael nearly jumped out of his chair when Mikey appeared at the doorway. The youngest turtle eyed him uncertainly. "Are you _sewing?_"

Raphael glanced down at the leather and shifted it aside, trying to shove the materials out of sight. "What? No. Go away, Mikey."

"Man, it looks like you're sewing in there. Which would be weird, cause ya know..." Michelangelo trailed off, a grin slowly spreading across his face. "Who woulda' thought, right?"

"GO AWAY, MIKEY!"

* * *

><p>Raphael hopped to the carpet of the living room floor and glanced quickly at the microwave clock. "April!" he called out, shaking his head in annoyance when he didn't immediately see her. "Come on, woman!" He rounded the corner of April's bedroom door.<p>

"Mikey and Leo are already at the mov - "

He froze in the doorway as he spotted April sitting on the edge of her bed, head bowed and a tissue blotting away heavy tears. His eyes widened.

"What the hell happened?" he asked hurriedly, moving to her side, green eyes searching her over for injuries. April quickly shook her head and held up a hand to steady him. "No, no. I'm fine," she promised him, her voice trembling.

"You don't look fine," Raphael growled softly, pulling her up with a gentle grip on each arm. April sniffled and turned her head away for a moment, a tiny sob escaping her before she drew in a deep breath.

"It's okay, really.." she murmured. "I just realized a few minutes ago... "

Her eyes flickered up just as Raphael pushed some of her hair away from the wet corners of her eyes. She bit her lips to suppress another sob. When she spoke, it was a shaky whisper.

"I didn't think about him at _all _yesterday."

Raphael's expression shifted, his muscles clenching with the effort not to turn his gaze away. His fingers tightened on her upper-arms and his throat suddenly felt tight. April covered her face and whimpered, the motion stifled as Raphael's arms slid naturally around her and pressed her close. He touched the top of her head and smoothed his fingers through her hair, silent.

April drew herself up on her tip-toes so she could tuck into his neck.

That day hadn't come for him yet - the day in which his lost brother doesn't cross his mind even once. But the same feelings attacked him daily with stunning ferocity - the desire to forget, the _guilt _when you manage it, the tiniest spark of hope when everything feels okay for just a little while and maybe things are getting better, maybe you're really healing -

And then the spark is doused under a cold wave of fresh guilt at the very _idea _of moving on from something so central to your heart and life.

"What if I.. what if I forget him completely, Raph?" she sobbed, drawing her head away to look up at him, eyes wild with panic. Raphael sighed softly. "April..."

"What if I forget his _voice _or his laugh or all the wonderful things he did for me - "

"You won't," Raphael said firmly, fingers drawing her face up again. "Listen to me, April. You won't forget him - "

"_What if I do?!" _

"You won't!" Raphael tightened his grip around her waist and the motion made them both sway. This time, it was his voice that trembled. April's glassy eyes widened - because never once had he lost it in front of her, and now he seemed to be on the very edge of despair.

"You won't," he whispered again, his eyes clenched shut. It wasn't clear who he was talking to anymore.

Something in it sobered April O'Neil, who reached up with one hand and drew Raphael closer by the back of his neck. On her tip-toes, she pressed their foreheads together and closed her eyes as well. Raphael's shoulders clenched and the three fingers at her hip twitched.

"Okay," she murmured, drawing her fingers to a curl at the back of his neck. "I believe you."

* * *

><p>"April's here! April's here! We can finally get started - Hurry up, April!"<p>

Master Splinter rolled his eyes at his youngest son and April laughed, dropping down the last few steps into the lair. "I'm sorry, guys, I had to go by the store and it is _crazy _this time of year!" The three turtles hurried to help her with her armful of presents and grocery bags.

"This smells so good," Leonardo groaned, pulling out the roast turkey April had brought. "You really didn't have to do this."

"Come on, Leo. It's Christmas. It's the time for feasting!" April grinned at him, giving him a quick hug. Raphael appeared on the other side of the bar and gave her a rare little smile. April returned it, biting her lip when a flush came to her cheeks. Damn fair complexion.

"You look very nice, April," Master Splinter commented pleasantly, offering her an affectionate touch to the head with a clawed hand. "Thank you, Sensei." April beamed, glancing down at her emerald sweater dress and boots. She _had _dressed up a bit, but if this wasn't the time for it, then when? She'd even curled her hair just a bit. She felt refreshed and cozy.

"Did you invite Casey?" she asked curiously as they all unpacked the already prepared dinner food. April was not about to cook a feast - she left that to the fine folks at the catering place - but she was more than happy to pick it up. "Nah," Raphael answered from where he was uncapping a bottle of water. "Tonight's just family."

April smiled again, happily setting to work getting the meal together with the others. "Are these the presents?" Mikey asked, eyeing April's other bags. "Yeah, just put them under the tree." She pointed. A brief moment of worry jolted her and she pulled Mikey aside, her eyes shifting.

She had wondered - agonized, even - over whether or not to do it. Maybe the turtles and Master Splinter would think it was weird. Maybe it would even upset them. She prayed that wouldn't be the case, but ultimately, she had thought it would just be wrong _not _to.

April reached in one of the large bags in Mikey's hand and pulled out a single present, turning it over in her hands almost shyly. "I, uh." She cleared her throat a bit. "I got a present for Donnie," she whispered.

The young turtle's head tilted at her and for a long moment, April was terrified. After a curiously thoughtful look at her, though, he took the gift from her hand and offered her a small smile. Then he turned to the tree, hopping down a few steps. All the gifts were there and more or less organized in piles by recipient.

April watched as Michelangelo bent and put the present on a small pile to the left. Just as it had been for every year since April had known them, this was Donnie's pile. They'd _all _gotten him something.

And maybe it wasn't the healthiest thing to do. Or maybe it was. Either way, when Mikey straightened and briefly clasped April's hand with a grateful smile, she knew it was the best thing for _them. _

"Thanks," the youngest turtle whispered. Then he rejoined the fray in the kitchen, once again animated and boisterous. April heaved a sigh of relief and hurried back in, where they all enjoyed an amazing meal before settling down in the living room together to open gifts.

It was a happy, warm wonderful evening. April had gotten Mikey a huge pile of vintage comic books, Master Splinter a beautiful _sake _set, and Leonardo a new video game system complete with a _Space Heroes _game.

"These are all such nice gifts," Master Splinter told her sincerely. April flushed from her comfortable spot on the couch, boots kicked off and her black tights-covered legs folded underneath her.

"Hey."

April glanced up and saw Raphael standing next to the couch, a present in his hand. He looked wildly uncomfortable, April noticed with a little grin. She stood in front of him and accepted the present.

"For me?" she asked, giggling just a bit. Raphael nodded, glancing over her shoulder to see if his brothers were occupied. Apparently satisfied that they were, he nodded to her and April opened her gift.

April's eyes shifted curiously over the leather as it fell into her hands and she held it up, her mind working over the intricate stitching and strange shape. Raphael reached forward and turned it in her hands. It was then that April noticed the many subtle slots concealing _shuriken. _

"It's a carrier for your weapons," he explained, taking it from her and carefully reaching around to slip it over her shoulders. April's lips spread into a slow, pleased smile as Raphael adjusted the material over her. It fit like a slim, perfectly tailored vest. She could even conceal it under a jacket.

"If you need your stars, you can reach in right here - " he touched the side near her ribs. "And pull them right out. It can hold up to thirty. Your fan can fit in here too, I added a pocket." April twirled around, looking at every beautiful detail. It was incredibly well-made and the leather was a deep brown with lighter details on the edges. It felt wonderful under her fingertips.

"Or if you want to wear it on the outside of something," Raphael added, moving behind her and folding up the sides. April caught a glance of herself in a reflective surface and gasped, beaming at him over her shoulder. "It looks just like a stylish little backpack!"

April shifted to see more of her reflection and then turned to face Raphael, her heart fluttering. "This is amazing,Raph! I love it!" To her surprise, Raphael flushed and cleared his throat a bit, though she could see his lips curling with another smile.

"Seriously," she told him, slipping off the pouch and turning it over in her hands. "It's badass _and _beautiful." At this, Raphael grinned in response. "Glad ya like it."

"Where did you get it?" April asked, trying to remember if she'd ever seen such a thing before. Raphael shrugged. "Made it."

April blinked and then stared up at him, her lips parted in surprise. "You made this?" she repeated, looking back down at the gift and tracing her fingers over the edges. "That's .. wow."

"S'nothin."

Raphael's hands jumped out in surprise when April tackled him in a hug, her arms tight around his neck. "It's not nothing. It's perfect." She smiled, her face close to his for just a moment before she tucked away shyly. "Now it's time for your present. I couldn't wrap it," she smirked. "Sorry."

Raphael watched as April jumped away and waved to Leo and Mikey. "Help me, guys!"

The three of them moved away and disappeared behind one of the dividers in the room. Raphael raised a brow ridge, glancing at Master Splinter, who could only chuckle to himself from his chair. After some quiet arguing and grunting, Raphael watched as Leo, Mikey, and April all re-appeared, each holding one side of a brand new punching bag balanced on an impressively heavy metal frame.

They all set it down with a grunt and Mikey let out a whooping noise.

"Man, you better be thankful for your gift, Raph. This thing was a _biii - eetch _to get down here!" he exclaimed, earning a scathing glare from Master Splinter. April swallowed and flushed, waving an arm as Raphael approached, his eyes wide and a short, surprised laugh escaping him. He touched the metal beam. He'd never had a _new _punching bag before.

"If you break this one, I just don't know else I can do for you," April said at his side, grinning up at him mischievously. Raphael looked down at her and grinned, and his brothers be damned, he looped an arm around her and hugged her tightly. April giggled and tucked her face into his shoulder briefly. "Thanks," he said just loudly enough for her to hear. "You're welcome," she replied softly.

"But you should share with your brothers if they ask," she added as Raphael pulled away, his eyes still on her. "Psht, fuck that. This is mine!"

"Raph!" April prodded his shoulder. Raphael rolled his eyes. "Fine," he muttered.

As soon as April's back was turned, he pointed at his two brothers and made a slicing motion across his throat. "Raph?" April called from his side and he quickly dropped his hand.

"Sharing, got it!"

* * *

><p>"You keepin' a fridge up here now?"<p>

Raphael snickered as Casey straightened away from his rooftop stash and handed a bottle to the turtle. "Yeah, man. I moved outta' my parents place last year and now I live with two other guys. They'll drink your beer right up, dude."

Raphael smirked as the human dropped onto the ledge right next to him. He took a gulp of his drink and watched the streets below.

They sat in silence for almost twenty minutes before Casey suddenly straightened and pointed. "Hey, look. There's April and her friend." Raphael followed Casey's gaze and, sure enough, April was stepping out of a coffee shop below with a brunette girl, both bundled up against the winter winds and clutching hot drinks.

"Man, that Melanie girl is super hot." Casey tipped back his drink. Raphael squinted as the two girls walked by on the opposite sidewalk, oblivious to their observers. His careful gaze traveled over April's flushed cheeks and further down to the light, controlled steps of her tiny feet. He reluctantly looked away at her friend.

"Eh, she wears a lot of that face paint," Raphael grunted. Casey tossed his beer bottle into a pile in the corner. "Hey man," he smirked. "I appreciate a girl that'll go the extra mile. You gotta work hard to get with Casey Jones, you know what I'm sayin'?"

Raphael snorted. "Dumbass, I've only talked to about five humans in my whole life, and even I know ain't nobody putting that much effort into going out with your ugly ass," he laughed, almost dropping his drink when Casey guffawed next to him and nearly dropped off the roof.

"Fuck you, man!" he exclaimed, gasping for air.

* * *

><p>Author's Note: Not a WHOLE lot of AprilRaph time in this chapter, but it's coming up.


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note: Wow, I was so overwhelmed with the responses from the last chapter. Thank you so much! I haven't been this excited to write a story in a while and I have you all to thank for it. Your words and critiques are very inspiring.

To address a few questions, I'll give you guys from context from the story that doesn't make it into the "moments" I'm writing. Thisis set in the 2012 series universe (I think that much is clear), but it takes place a few years after the initial meeting. April is **eighteen years old **and a senior in high school. I'll say that Casey is about nineteen and, yes, probably failed a grade. He mentions to Raph in Chapter Four that he gets his beer from a convenience store that "doesn't check I.D.'s," so no, he is not twenty-one.

April DOES live alone in her apartment. Her father, for the purposes of my story, is "gone." Whether that's mutated or dead, I really have no answer for. I apologize for not having a better explanation, but this story started out as a one-shot and because I have developed it in these scenes the way I have, there's been no real desire on my part to expand further than that. She does keep in contact with her aunt, though, who often checks in on her.

Lastly, this story does not take place in a very specific instance during the series. It will sometimes reference things (like the farmhouse) but offer no real timeline. Again, this is the result of me just focusing on moments rather than backstory. I apologize! I do hope that helps some people out with the confusion, though.

On to the story!

* * *

><p>April inspected the carton of milk in the turtles' fridge and frowned. She really needed to go through this thing and -<p>

A clatter behind her made her jump and April turned swiftly, only to see Raphael leaning in against the doorway in a ridiculously dramatic pose. April squinted. No, not Raphael.

"Mikey," April said slowly, feeling a growing sense of dread. "Why are you wearing Raph's mask?"

A grin spread over the youngest turtle's face. "Oooh, it's good, April." He hopped over the bar island and crouched, blue eyes peeking over the top of the countertop suspiciously. "Raph fell asleep on the couch so I stole his mask and replaced it with mine. I'm waiting to see how long it takes him to figure it out - "

"MICHELANGELO!"

"Oh, shit - " Mikey squeaked and ducked down to the floor, his eyes wide. April dragged a hand down her face. "Do you _like _getting beaten up, Mikey?" she asked incredulously. A thunderous crash from the living area. "Shhhh!" he hissed, his body freezing when the kitchen door slammed into the wall.

April held up both hands, eyes wide. "I didn't do it!"

"Where's Mikey?" Raphael growled, grunting loudly when April had to stifle a hysterical laugh behind her hand. He was holding Mikey's mask in his hand, sans one of his own, and his green eyes were flashing across the kitchen suspiciously with a fist raised.

April's eyes flickered to her side where Mikey was hidden - she tried to stop herself, but Raphael saw the movement and immediately leapt over the counter. Mikey emitted a girlish shriek and jumped up, hands over his head.

"Don't do it, man! April's safe!" he ducked behind the redhead. "Whoa, hey. Why am _I _safe?" she exclaimed, eyeing Raphael nervously, as she was now standing between him and Mikey. The counter was blocking her escape path, too.

"Uh, because last time I said the _fridge _was safe and he knocked me out with the door!"

"And that's nothin' compared to what I'm _about _to do!" Raphael leapt at them, April shrieked and Mikey let out a bloodcurdling scream. Raphael skidded to a stop right in front of them.

Then he calmly reached out, took April gently by the hips, and picked her straight up off the ground. He set her on the counter and she smiled, pleased at not being in the middle anymore. He patted her knee. She picked up a pudding cup and started eating, feet kicking off the side of the bar island as Raphael jumped on Mikey with a snarl and the two of them rolled straight into the cupboard.

"Man," April said to herself. "This is awesome pudding."

* * *

><p>"... keeps winking at me in class," Melanie said with a laugh. "It's really weird."<p>

April giggled and shrugged. "Casey's harmless, I promise. Sometimes, I think he does things like that purely out of boredom." The two of them turned a corner and April shoved her hands deep into the pockets of her coat. Winter was slowly ebbing away, but it was still cold as bejeezus outside. The sun had gone down an hour ago.

"So do you think you can go with me to get my dress re-fitted tomorrow?" Melanie asked, sipping at her lukewarm coffee.

"I can't, sorry," April threw away her own empty cup in a sidewalk trashcan. "I have my training tomorrow." Melanie hummed. "Ooh, right. Your - what, like kick-boxing lessons or something?" April laughed, side-stepping a homeless person on the sidewalk in front of a series of broken down shops.

"Something like that, yeah."

"Well, anyway, I'll let you know - " The two of them paused as a crash sounded somewhere behind the old office building to their left. April glanced down at the sound of metal and spotted a can rolling out of the shadows. The two girls exchanged uncertain glances and then edged around the corner.

April's eyes narrowed. The street and adjacent alleyway appeared to be empty.

"Huh, weird..." she muttered, looking back at her friend, only to see her staring straight up with wide eyes and an open mouth. April followed her gaze and blinked. A laugh bubbled in her throat, but she stifled it. "Whoa," Melanie said in amazement.

Three men, gagged and bound, struggled against the ropes that dangled them from a lamppost. April quickly recognized the Purple Dragons logos on their vests. They cried out against their gags and glared daggers when Melanie laughed out loud.

"You guys sure make some ugly Christmas ornaments!" she called up to them.

April snickered and grabbed her friend's arm. "Come on, the police will find them." Before she tugged Melanie away, though, she chanced a look down the dark alleyway and spotted what she knew would be there - a pair of sharp white eyes, floating in the inky blackness. In an instant, they were gone.

April smiled to herself and shook her head. "Let's go, Mel."

* * *

><p>"Raphael!"<p>

The turtle in question glanced up and smirked a bit to himself. He went back to his project, not bothering to answer the voice. Music blared from a boombox perched nearby on the top of a wobbly shelf filled with tools. Alas, April's voice still made it through. Go figure.

"Raph!" she called out again, and now she was standing on the other side of his motorcycle. Raphael glanced up from where he was crouched, wrench in hand, eyes focused on his task. The irritation in her tone only made him want to ignore her more. It was funny as hell to watch her get worked up sometimes.

"I can't hear you!" he called over the music, leaning over to dig around in his toolbox and then pulling out a different wrench. From his spot on his knees, he could see April's foot on the other side of his bike, tapping impatiently. He snickered to himself.

His music died with a click and April's face appeared over the side of his motorcycle seat. "Can you hear me now, smartass?"

Raphael straightened slowly, his lips quirked. He wiped some oil and dirt off his hands and arms with a black-stained rag. "Unfortunately," he smirked. April folded her arms over the chest of her white sweater. Not that Raphael noticed her damn sweaters.

"Do you always follow me around when I'm hanging out with my friend?" she asked, and now Raphael could see that she wasn't truly irritated, only doing a damn good job of pretending to be. Her eyes always, always gave her away. The colors brightened and the corners crinkled when she was trying not to smile, like now.

Raphael shrugged and tossed aside his rag. "I don't follow you," he said with a grin. "I follow trouble. You just always happen to find it before I do." He pointed. "In fact, I should be the one tellin' you to stop stalkin' me."

The effort it took not to smile grew, it was obvious from the twitching of April's mouth.

"I can take care of myself, you know," she said loftily. Raphael leaned carefully against his bike. "I know," he said honestly. April dropped her arms and slid her hands into the pockets of her jeans. "Good. Glad we have that established." Her lips finally gave into a small smile before she assumed a stern expression. "I'm not a helpless damsel. I am a warrior. Don't forget it!"

"How could I?" Raphael asked dryly, rolling his eyes. April grinned a bit and turned away to leave, but she quickly stopped when Raphael reached out and grabbed her. She looked back at him curiously.

"Be careful on that street, April," said Raphael quietly, his fingers dangling around her delicate wrist. April smiled again and gave an unconvincing little sigh. "I wi - _ill_," she said in a sing-song voice, just to annoy him. Raphael made a face at her. "Promise?" he insisted.

April laughed softly and turned to face him again, closing the gap between them and leaning close. "I promise," she murmured sincerely, her smile growing more mischievous when Raphael's eyes flickered at their proximity. She squeezed his hand and turned away, walking with their hands joined until distance parted them and they both let them drop away.

Raphael watched her leave and shook his head. Of all the women for Donnie to rescue - and thus draw into their lives - it had to be this little spitfire.

He cast his gaze upwards. "Nice goin', Donnie," he muttered with a small chuckle.

* * *

><p>He'd debated with himself for over two weeks.<p>

What if it upset her? What if it made her sad and screwed up the last few months of solid, stable optimism he'd seen in her? Then again, what if he didn't give it to her and she found out? She'd be furious. Not to mention the fact that, if he hid it just to preserve her fragile happiness, it would be wrong to Donnie.

Raphael glanced up at the tentative knock on his bedroom door. He set aside the small box he'd been holding and stood. "Come in," he called, watching as April stepped uncertainly into his room. She glanced around and gave a low whistle.

"You know, I have never stepped foot in your room before," she eyed the hammock he slept in and the tank he'd once used for Spike. He also had a loveseat he'd pulled in there at one point since he didn't have a real bed and sometimes he'd lounge on it. Everything else was either tools, motorcycle maintenance books or magazines. " .. just about like I imagined it," she finished with a grin.

Raphael rolled his eyes at her. "Yeah, well, at least it's not filled with toys like Mikey's."

April sat on the loveseat and ticked her head to the side. "I know you just hid yours before I came over, don't lie!" she snickered. Raphael made a face at her but didn't rise to the bait. He had other things on his mind. April, as usual, picked up on it rather quickly. "What's up?" She folded her legs up on the aged sofa cushions. Raphael picked up the box and pushed back a sigh.

If he didn't act sad, maybe April wouldn't be sad. He recalled her words in the lab. Happy memories.

He sat on the couch next to her and turned the small box over in his hands.

"We went through some'a Donnie's stuff a little while back. Found this and thought you might want it." He handed her the box, fighting to keep his expression neutral.

April's brows furrowed as she accepted the box, her gaze darting to Raphael's face just once before she shifted on the couch and opened the box. A heavy pause followed before April let a shaky laugh escape.

"It's a charm bracelet," she said, tilting her head. "... with my name styled like elements of the periodic table."

Raphael eyed the letters of April's name, hanging in tiny silver squares.

"Yep," he said finally. "Definitely a Donnie gift."

April laughed again, a hint of tears intermingling with a weary sigh. She leaned against the back of the old sofa and passed over the clinking charms with a fingertip longingly. "Guess he was waitin' for a good time to give it to ya," Raphael said uneasily. April glanced at him and then back to the bracelet, which she slipped easily over her wrist.

"I should have talked to him," she said wistfully, her eyes on the bracelet and at the same time, far away. "I thought I had time." Raphael watched her from his spot on the couch. He was secretly proud of her for her calm and it lightened the weight in his chest.

"Yeah," he said, leaning back on the couch arm a bit. "I wouldn't worry about it too much, though. He knew it wasn't gonna happen."

April's thoughtful perusal of the bracelet stopped and her blue eyes snapped up. "What?"

Raphael blinked at her, a brow ridge raised. "He, uh... well, you know."

"No," April shifted up again. "I don't know. What, are you trying to say we _couldn't _have been together if we wanted?" Raphael stared, a growing sense of dread filling him. "I just meant - "

"So are you saying we can't make our own decisions? Is that because he was a mutant or because I'm a human - "

"Well, shit, _both _I guess - "

April jumped up and put her hands on her hips. "That is SO unfair, Raphael. You don't get to just say whatever you want about me or think you know every single thought in my head! You have _no idea _how I felt about Donnie - "

Raphael stood as well and rolled his eyes at her. "What, are you tryin' to say that you _would _have dated him if he'd given you the chance in the, oh, I don't know, _three years _he sat around waitin' for you to notice him?"

April's lips parted and her expression shifted into full-blown rage. "Eugh! That is NONE of your business, Raphael! You don't get to just pretend you know how I feel!"

"Oh, please, so you're tellin' me that you were attracted to him? That you're attracted to any mutant?"

"You don't know who or WHAT I am or am NOT attracted to!"

"So if _Tigerclaw _came around and asked you on a date, you'd go with him?" Raphael snapped and April huffed. "Of COURSE not - "

"That's the same thing!"

"No, it isn't!" she shrieked. "I have my own feelings about things and my own thoughts and no where in the damn world does it say I have to share ANY of those with YOU! You think just because I'm a human that means - whatever you think it means - "

"Believe me, April, I have absolutely no IDEA what it means because you don't make ANY damn sense!"

"BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL!"

"I sure as hell don't know what we're even ARGUING about anymore!" Raphael yelled, waving both arms.

"Yeah, well," April snatched up her purse. "That doesn't surprise me at all because you just - you think you know everything and you don't, Raphael!" She threw open Raphael's bedroom door and stomped out. Raphael followed her down the corridor and the sound of their voices carried on into the living room area...

...where Leonardo and Michelangelo sat, sharing a bowl of popcorn out of the latter's lap and watching a movie. They glanced up as April stormed into the living room, pausing only long enough to turn and yell at Raphael as he appeared.

"You're just a chauvinist ass who thinks all women are shallow and air-headed!"

"I don't even know what the fuck that is! _You just make shit up_, ya know that?!"

"Argh!" April tossed up both of her hands in disgust. "I'm leaving!"

"Well, fine!" Raphael called after her. "I'm just gonna stay here and thank my LUCKY STARS that I only know MALE mutant turtles, because I don't think I could _handle _any more WOMEN IN MY LIFE!"

"YOU SURE AS HELL COULDN'T!" _Slam_.

The room was silent, save for Raphael's labored grunts. It was eventually broken by the loud crunching of popcorn. Raphaelwhirled to face his brothers on the couch.

"The hell are you two clowns lookin' at?" he snapped.

"Nothing!" they said in unison, holding up their hands. Raphael growled and glared at the closed door. He pointed at the spot April had occupied. "That woman is crazy."

"Yeah, bro," Mikey said slowly, cradling a huge bowl of popcorn and grinning. "I'm sure that was totally... _not _your fault."

Raphael turned slowly to face Michelangelo, his eyes wide and his jaw locked.

"Mikey... are you askin' for a beatdown?"

Michelangelo jumped up on the couch and held his bowl of popcorn in front of himself defensively. "What?! No!"

Raphael stepped forward. ".. Cause it sounds to me.. like you're askin' for a _beatdown_." Mikey stumbled back on the couch cushions. "Misplaced aggression!" he pointed frantically. "Find your happy place, man!"

"Oh, I found my happy place alright..." Raphael advanced with a snarl. "Whoa, whoa!" Leonardo jumped up, holding his hands up and halting Raphael's stomp. "Hey, guys. Come on, now." He looked between the two of them. He slowly lowered his hands and Mikey breathed a sigh of relief.

Then Leo took the bowl of popcorn from Mikey and turned, plopping back down on the couch.

"Okay, now go."

Raphael grinned ferally. A piercing scream. _Thud. Bang. Crash._

* * *

><p>The day following their argument was a "rest day" and Raphael didn't hear from April at all. Still, she showed up the following day for their training just as usual, her hair tied in a high ponytail and one of those strange athletic tops adorning her torso.<p>

They sparred for nearly an hour in silence, only grunts and yelps sounding throughout the dojo. Finally, as he crouched into a low kick - which, to his surprise, April avoided - Raphael spoke up.

"So, ya gonna tell me what that was all about?"

April smirked just a bit and countered his strike. "Nah, I think I should just let you figure it out." Raphael made a face and caught her at her ankles, tripping her over and making her roll out of the way of another kick.

"And what if I said I didn't care that damn much?"

"You'd be lying," she said easily, jabbing with her elbow and almost catching him in the side. He hopped away and countered with a jab to her rib that had her wincing for just a moment before she landed a kick against his shin. He quickly grabbed her forearm and flipped her around, pinning it behind her and using it to crush her back against his plastron.

"I ain't a very good liar," he admitted, his voice low. April's eyes flickered to the side, only able to see the corner of his face where it hovered near her shoulder, his lips close to her ear. "No kidding," she muttered breathlessly, twisting in his grip and using her full weight to bend his arm until he was forced to let her go.

When she was facing him again, she sank into a crouch. "So do you care or not? Because if you do," she grinned. "I might help you out some."

Raphael scowled. "Okay, fine. I care. Now, what's the moral of the story so I can move on with my life?"

He jumped at her and April rolled out of the way, quickly jumping up and swinging a kick at his right. "The moral is... " she paused thoughtfully, jumping away with a shriek as he punched at her shoulder. " ... you shouldn't _assume _things about me."

Raphael actually stopped fighting, his expression flat. "That's it?"

April folded her arms and gave him a smug smile. "Yes."

"You can't be any more specific than that?"

"Mm, nope," April shrugged both shoulders. She poked him. Her hands were trembling from their exertions before. "You don't know everything about me, Raph. Including what or who I am attracted to. Got it?" Raphael sighed and shook his head. "Whatever, woman."

April nodded, apparently satisfied. However, as soon as Raphael bent over to grab a bottle of water, she was suddenly beside him. In one swift motion, she had maneuvered his arm into the hold he'd shown her earlier and, using his own weight against him, tossed him over in a roll until he was flat on his back.

Or, at least, as flat on his back as a turtle could ever be.

"What the _fuck - " _

"Ha!" April cried out triumphantly. "I got you back! Sweet revenge!"

Her victory was cut short when Raphael kicked his legs and landed back on his feet in one powerful leap. He turned to face her, his eyes glowing. "Oooh, you are in for it, little girl..."

"Raph - Raph, don't do whatever you're about to - "

"Come here!" Raphael lunged for April who jumped away with a loud shriek, laughing and gasping as she tried to squirm out of his heavy arms. "No!" she cried out as he picked her up off her feet, mocking her "victory" all the way as he dragged her out of the dojo into the living area.

"Raphael! Ahh, put me down!" April kicked, curling up into a ball of almost painful laughter when he tickled her mercilessly in his grip. When she saw what he was approaching, her kicks grew more frantic, her eyes wide.

"Raphael, DON'T YOU DARE - "

_Splash_. April re-surfaced with a mouthful of dirty water and a glare to send armies running. Raphael doubled over with laughter on the edge of the living room "pool," the tire swing shifting lazily above her. The humiliation of being dunked was only made worse when Mikey appeared and made a face over the top of his comic book.

"Aw, April! You shouldn't swim in that, silly. I haven't cleaned any of it in like, a year."

If possible, Raphael's laughter grew tenfold. He even fell over, clutching his sides and only jumping back up when April yelped wordlessly and scrambled out of the pool.

"Raphael!" she screamed.

* * *

><p>April kneeled and carefully lit the incense.<p>

For a moment, she inhaled the comforting scent. Then she closed her eyes and placed her hands in her lap, the charms on her bracelet jingling softly. When she re-opened them, her eyes lifted and she enjoyed the rare silence of the lair.

Reaching out, she briefly touched the tip of a stand holding a bo staff and a single picture. April bowed her head just once, briefly letting her fingers curl against the tip of the stand. Smoke furled around her in thin white chains.

Finally, she lifted her head again and smiled softly, giving just a single tear to the quiet moment.

"Happy Mutation Day, Donnie."


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Note: Hey guys! I am so ready to write this chapter. I've been visiting family for the holidays since I last updated, though, which is why I didn't lightning-speed update like I normally do. I'm pretty sure you guys will enjoy this chapter!

To **anima - **I would love to see what you sent me, but the link isn't working! PM me for my e-mail if you would like. (: Thanks for your support! It's amazing!

Edited for literary mistake. Thanks cutegenius!

* * *

><p>The lair was quiet.<p>

Mikey was stretched out on the couch, comic-book masking his face as the television droned on in a low volume. April had been training with Raphael, but he'd left in a bit of a hurry after they were finished to return a tool to Casey before the latter left for work. He'd only been gone for ten minutes and had already texted April twice, talking about what an idiot Casey was. It made April laugh. She wondered when she'd become so used to his updates that she could tell anyone, nearly any time of day, what he was doing.

She stepped into the lair's kitchen and smiled.

Leonardo glanced up from the counter and returned her smile sheepishly. "Hey April," he said lightly, watching as the girl took a seat at the counter across from his work station.

"You're making sushi," she said, surprised. Leo nodded, picking up a knife and scooting around some vegetables. The sight of it was adorable, really. He had a towel slung over his shoulder and a massive spread of ingredients in front of him, including a cutting board with several small piles of fish.

"Yeah, Master Splinter taught me a long time ago and I just recently started trying to do it again. It's harder than you think," he said, popping a piece of seaweed in his mouth. "Maybe because I keep eating it, though."

April giggled. The dim light afforded by the single overhanging lamp in the kitchen illuminated only the two of them. Everything else felt cool and quiet. April watched him work quietly, not disturbing him as he offered the same amount of concentration and discipline to the sushi making as he did everything else. It made April think about how similar Leo and Raph really were, even though others might call them opposites. They certainly both gave their all, if in different ways. Their expressions at times like these, when they were truly focused on a goal, were equal parts intense and comforting. They weren't giving up, no matter the task. That much was clear.

"I've been working on college applications," April said after several minutes of silence. Leo glanced up from where he was carefully chopping other vegetables. "Really? Any ideas?"

April shrugged one shoulder and dropped her chin into her hand warily.

"I don't know," she groaned softly. "There's so many places I want to go and things I want to see... but... " she lowered her eyes, a frown fixed on her features. Leo smiled softly, his eyes moving down to his hands as they moved skillfully across the cutting board.

"We'll come and see you wherever you go, April," he told her, and April appreciated the tone of his voice so much it hurt. She'd seen Leonardo fight for his life so many times, even seen him reluctantly but firmly _kill _things, but the sensitivity of his tone - always absent condescension - touched her heart.

"I know," she said truthfully, her lips curling just a bit. Her eyes, too, were low and focused on the counter. Watching the repetitive motions of Leo's preparations was somehow soothing. "It's just... I don't know - I've felt alone in my life before, but if I leave here..."

She rubbed her eyes and sighed softly. "I'll just feel so... incomplete."

Leonardo carefully opened his rice and nodded in understanding. "It's difficult to leave," he admitted. "But I think most everyone feels this way at your stage in life. You're becoming an adult and your life is changing. Growth can't occur without change."

April tilted her head at Leo.

"You wouldn't leave if you were me."

Leo paused in his motions and a small smile touched his face, his blue eyes low. "No," he agreed. "I wouldn't." He looked back up at her. April traced an outline on the countertop.

"Because of your family," she said quietly.

"Because of the role I play in this family," he corrected gently. "You play a role too, April." The redhead glanced up at him, her fingers curling back into her palms. "Really?" she asked, curious. Leonardo nodded. "Of course, just not the same as mine." He studied her then, his eyes moving over her face as if he were trying to decide something. "Your role is different, though. Than before."

April's brow furrowed. "Is that... bad? That it's different than before?"

Leonardo smiled this time, his hands working over his ingredients once more. "No," he said simply. April let her gaze fall away and her mind wandered. Some time passed before she realized she was eyeing some of the tuna waiting to be rolled into the sushi. Leo caught her looking and laughed a little, handing her some chopsticks. April grinned and felt her heart lift. She took a bite of the tuna and moaned quietly.

"I love tuna," she said before pointing with the chopsticks to the other pile of protein. "What's that? It looks gross." Leonardo laughed and turned the cutting board so that it faced him. "It's squid. We never, ever eat it here because Raph _hates _it. He will freak out if it gets anywhere near him."

Leonardo took the squid and quickly made a roll, which he deftly cut into several smaller pieces. He offered one to April. "Uh, no thanks." She laughed. "I'll stick with the tuna - "

"Whoa, hey, look at this!" Raphael suddenly entered the kitchen, making April and Leonardo look up. He grinned and walked over to the fridge. "Two ladies gossipin' in the kitchen, what a surprise!"

April and Leonardo exchanged an eye roll. Raphael straightened from the fridge with a bottle of water and pointed. "Ya know, normally I'd make a joke about that, but I think it goes without sayin.'" He smirked to himself, obviously pleased. April scowled softly and whirled to give him a verbal lashing, but a more devious thread crossed her mind and she grinned secretly at Leo. Carefully, she took her chopsticks and picked up one of the sushi.

"Hey Raph, Leo was just making me some sushi." She hopped up to him and extended the roll. "Want some?"

Raphael blinked at the sushi and then shrugged, letting her drop the sushi into his mouth. From his perch at the counter, Leonardo covered a laugh with a raucous cough. Raphael chewed slowly and then narrowed his eyes at Leo and April's poorly disguised grins.

"What is this?"

"Squid," the other two chorused, only for Raphael to turn and sprayed the contents of his sushi all over the counter and floor.

"Oh, RAPH!"

"Damn it, Raphael, now I have to make all of this over again!"

And when Master Splinter entered a few minutes later, they _all _paid the price.

* * *

><p>Raphael dropped into April's apartment and paused to listen.<p>

He could _hear _April - grunting, cursing - but he couldn't see her. He peered around the edge of her massive, solid oak bookcase, only to find her on the other side with her back pressed against it and her feet firmly planted in the floor.

He watched for nearly five minutes, his arm leaned against the unmoving bookcase.

"Watcha' doin?" he asked finally, unable to keep the amusement out of his voice. April shrieked and nearly fell over, her hand over her pounding heart. Then she made a face at Raphael and situated her efforts once more.

"Moving ... my... bookshelf," she ground out, her hair falling in front of her red cheeks. Raphael raised a brow ridge and glanced at the shelf.

"Are you sure?"

April sent him a scathing glare and then redoubled her efforts. Raphael watched her struggles for nearly another full minute before he reached up and curled a strong hand around one edge of the shelf. With one great pull, the shelf slid across the floor and into the corner of the room.

A shriek and thud followed by a whine made him peer around the back of the shelf, and this time there wasn't a damn thing he could do to stop his laughter.

"You just love makin' things harder for yourself, don't ya?" he asked, watching as April tried to extract herself from where she'd been wedged into the corner between the shelf and wall, her legs caught high and her shoulders in the corner.

"Yes," she said breathlessly, huffing over the tops of her knees. "I think I do."

* * *

><p>Winter was waning, but the tumultuous weather had seen fit to send one more snowstorm their way before letting up its grip.<p>

Raphael tugged on his long black jacket and balanced an arm on an upraised knee. He sat at April's window, where he'd been since they'd gotten back from the movies. He glanced up as she joined him, perched just on the inside of the open window. The fire escape was caked with snow.

"I wish this snow would go away already," he muttered, glancing at April as she sat near his knees. He was wearing boots, too, which were uncomfortable as hell but made for easier riding of his motorcycle. April hummed in agreement and leaned a head against his shoulder.

"Me too," she agreed. "But only because it's so ugly here in the city. The snow, I mean. It gets dirty and slushy and muddy." She wrinkled her nose. Raphael glanced at her. "What other way is it supposed to be?"

April laughed. "When I lived at the farmhouse, years ago, the snow was one of my favorite things in the world. It was so beautiful there. Crisp, white, soft as powder. I used to go into the woods behind the house and walk for hours, looking at the snow covered trees and thinking about how it just _had _to be a magical fantasy land, it was so striking. It never failed to take my breath away."

Her eyes lowered as she turned the memories over in her mind.

"I loved seeing the snow that way, sitting on top of all the trees and rocks of the forest. It felt like the world was a different place back then." Raphael watched as April shrugged a shoulder, her smile a bit sad. "Maybe it was."

Raphael took in April's thoughtful, pensive gaze and fell into his own thoughts for a moment. Suddenly, something occurred to him and he moved. "Get your coat."

April blinked at him. "What?"

"Get it, come on. Meet me down at my bike." Saying nothing more, Raphael leaped over the railing and dropped down to the street. April shook her head with a laugh and hurried to her front door, coat in hand. When she met Raphael at his bike, he immediately handed her a helmet. "Hold on," he told her, pulling on his own helmet and cranking the bike with a loud snarl from the engine. April jumped on the back and wrapped her arms around him as far as they could go, her grip tight. This thing scared the hell out of her on the sloshy winter roads, but Raphael wasted no time in getting them up and going down the busy night time streets.

"Where are we going?" she called to him, but he only shook his head at her, the lights of the streets flashing over the visor of his black helmet. Finally, they arrived in a posh neighborhood April didn't recognize. Raphael jumped up and took off his helmet, quickly taking her hand and pulling April to the side of a business building.

"Ya gotta hold on to me," he told her, wrapping an arm around her waist. April did as she was told, her heart thumping wildly as the Raphael somehow managed to scale the side of the building using only one arm and his feet. He paused before he got to the rooftop, though, turning to face her in his grip.

"Close your eyes."

April's mouth twisted in an effort not to smile. "Why?" she asked suspiciously. "Just do it," he rolled his eyes. April complied, closing her eyes and tucking into him as he pulled them up and settled her over the edge. She heard more snow crunching as Raphael took her by the hand and led her a couple of steps forward, her vision black. Somewhere down below, the a restaurant across the street hosted a band playing a soft and sweet tune.

"Alright, open 'em."

April's eyes popped open and when her vision settled, her lips followed suit. The two of them stood on a rooftop arboretum, lattices high on either side and great, towering plants lining the edges in a beautifully fashioned tapestry of snow covered foliage. Hanging lights dangled from wooden workings overhead, stone benches sat artfully arranged around resting areas composed of gazebos and swings. It was a staggering layout, all carefully cared for until the winter had come along and anything that could not survive the weather had been taken away or abandoned. It had once been the sight of a party, perhaps, or a venue for a wedding. Either way, it now lay home to a forgotten - but no less striking - maze of stone sculptures and evergreen plants, all layered under untouched piles of powder white snow.

April stepped forward cautiously, her mind drinking in every last detail, her fingers skimming the top of needles and watching as they drifted, side by side with flakes of white, to the pure snow underfoot. She inhaled deeply and closed her eyes, and the nearness of the pines and tenderness of the snow - safe from the pollution of the cars and foot traffic - invaded her senses. The sensation was something between an ache and a thrill.

She turned to face Raphael, who stood several feet away, dark against the outline of white.

Raphael watched her, saw her face light up at the first view of the terrace and then soften into the thoughtful, amazed look she gave him now. He stood, his hands in the pockets of his coat, never looking away from her, even when she turned to look at him.

April moved away from the trees and in front of where Raphael stood, just near the snow covered gazebo. She smiled up at him, and he realized it was a smile he had never seen before. April looped her arms around Raphael's neck, her feet poised on the tips of her toes, prompting Raphael to return the embrace. Something threatened to choke him and his expression over her shoulder was almost pained. A three-fingered hand sat poised at the middle of her back, scarcely a centimeter between them, and the other curled at her hip. Neither moved.

Before Raphael released her -

And it was a very long time before that happened -

He realized he was holding her as if they'd been apart for a very, very long time.

* * *

><p><em>It's not too late, Raphael.<em>

The punching bag rocked with his punch, each hit harder than the last. He might have to test April's theory about whether or not he could break this thing.

_Just fucking pull away, man. Just do it. _

Another thud, another kick. Everything in the room, not just the punching bag, swayed ominously. He continued, the mental beating he was giving himself no less brutal than the one he served his bag.

The stand creaked and whined under the stress, but no amount of effort Raphael gave could make it topple and fall. And he gave it his all. Over and over again for hours. His knuckles bled and his heart _hurt. _

_It's not too late... _he told himself one more time, but even in his head, it sounded strained. He gripped the punching bag and leaned on it, begging silently for the strength of its stand. Finally, after what felt like a lifetime, he felt okay. He stood and some of his aggression and tension wore away. He heard her enter in the next room and her voice drifted out, calling his name.

He pushed the punching bag away and went to meet her.

* * *

><p>It was a late weekend evening.<p>

Raphael sat on the couch, lost in the simple task of re-wrapping his hands. He nearly jumped out of his shell when April popped up behind the couch, grinning.

"Raph!"

"Ah, fuck - What?" he asked over his shoulder, trying to calm his racing heart. April was undeterred, as usual. "You want to see my new book?" she asked excitedly. Raphael turned back to his hand wrappings.

"Probably not."

He was unsurprised when April jumped over the back of the couch and bounced into the seat right next to him, her eyes twinkling up at him. "Well, too bad!" she declared, and with that, she dropped open a massive book that fell into both of their laps. Raphael grunted, but a pleased smirk found its way onto his features anyway.

"Why'd you even ask, then? Why didn't ya just say - Hey Raph, check out this big ass book?"

"I'll lead with that next time," she grinned, shifting against him. Raphael gave up on his task and settled comfortably against the corner of the couch. The lair was dark and rather empty - Mikey and Leo were out and Master Splinter was meditating - so it was only the two of them. Raphael settled an arm on the edge of the couch, behind April's head. His fingers dropped and lingered near her shoulder.

"This is a really neat book I found," she smiled up at him from where she was tucked into his side. "It's a book of fairy tales and folklore from all over the world, as they were originally told or written." Raphael raised a brow ridge. "Fairy tales?" he repeated, rolling his eyes. "You're a little old for that, don't ya think?"

April made a face up at him. "Actually, smarty pants, these are the original - or so far as anyone knows - stories from the actual legends and all YOU know are the watered down versions. Some of them are actually pretty hardcore."

"Like what?" he asked, obviously not believing her. April smirked and shifted through the pages. She pointed to one chapter. "You know The Little Mermaid, right? Well, in the original story by Hans Christian Anderson, she felt stabbing pains every time she walked onshore. And in this version, she doesn't get the prince's love, so she just dies in the ocean."

Raphael stared. "Wow," he said. "That's pretty cool."

"And sad!" April exclaimed, tilting her head and flipping through more pages. Raphael stopped her, though, with a finger on one of the chapters. "Hey, I know this story!" April glanced up in surprise and then read the title.

"The Tale of Genji." Raphael nodded. "Yeah, Master Splinter used to read us this story when we were little." He eyed the contents of the story. "Must have been the kid version."

April turned back to the page, fascinated. "We should read it together," she decided with a smile. "Outloud?" he asked skeptically. "April, I don't know what Leo may have said, but I _can _read."

"Well, then you do it!" April declared, and with that, she hopped over one of Raphael's sprawled legs and settled her back against the front of his plastron. Both of his hands jumped up, much like they had when she'd dropped into his lap in the computer chair. April wiggled against him, the over-sized book still in her lap. Raphael shifted until one of his legs was up against the back of the couch and the other dangled off the cushion, toes brushing the floor. He settled his arms around her and reached for the book, which he balanced against April's upraised knees.

He glanced at her once, brow raised.

"Well? Start," April commanded, her arms folding comfortably and her back flush against his front. Raphael shook his head just a bit, as if to show just how silly he thought this was. However, instead of arguing, he propped up the book appropriately and scanned the page.

"The Tale of Genji," he read aloud, his low voice rumbling through both of them as he began to read. The otherwise quiet lair echoed with his voice, and as Raphael continued to read, the characters and themes returned to him as he remembered Master Splinter giving life to this story so many years ago. April smiled, laughed and sighed at various points in the story, her head occasionally ticking to the side and tucking into Raphael's neck as her eyes roved the various illustrations accompanying the chapters.

After a while, the noises from April quieted and then stopped altogether. Raphael paused in his reading and glanced down, lowering the book just a bit.

She was asleep.

Her head was turned and furrowed into the skin of his shoulder, just above the hard plastron. Her hair had been twisted into a long braid earlier in the day, but she'd let it out and now it sat in long auburn waves down her shoulder. Raphael watched her. After a long moment, he closed the book with a quiet snap and reached over, one hand holding April across her stomach to keep her from falling off as he leaned to place the book on the coffee table.

Without his reading, the lair was silent once more.

Raphael fell back onto the couch gently, careful not to wake her. At some point in his reading, he'd brought up both legs to the couch. Now they bracketed April, keeping her enfolded against him in the soft, confined space of the cushions. Raphael's hands hovered a moment, but the dark shadows of the living room area emboldened him and he finally let them fold around April's stomach, fingers curled against each hip.

He stayed like that for a while, simply watching her sleep. Occasionally, she stirred, and once she even moved up a hand above her head and let it curl on his shoulder, near his jaw. It stayed there and part of her face disappeared peacefully behind it. The other arm stayed in between Raphael's, layered against her torso.

With no noise or distraction around them, Raphael moved his free arm up and touched April's head, so near his. His fingers curled into her silky hair and moved through the strands curiously. It had grown long; she hadn't cut it since before Donnie had died, he knew. He liked it, he decided, his hand now moving on its own accord.

He stroked the hair near her face again, always starting just above her ear and then drifting, painfully slow, all the way down the length of the locks until they dropped out of the tips of his fingers. Sometimes the motion swept April's jawline or brushed her neck, glancing over her collarbone but never any further than that.

He found freckles, even in the semidarkness of the living room, tiny spots he'd never noticed before. The splatter of them made him smile. Still, even the peacefulness of the moment couldn't hold his anxieties at bay forever. Raphael continued his motions, his fingers never fully leaving April's hair or skin, even as he let himself fall into the heavier thoughts that always pervaded his actions.

Against him, April O'Neil rested in a dreamy sort of state between waking and sleeping. She'd dozed off, she knew, while Raphael was reading. It was natural, she'd thought even as her hazy mind fought to make sense of what was going on around her. She'd been so warm and comfortable, so content with the rumble of Raphael's voice just next to her.

And then she'd felt his fingers moving through her hair, tracing the planes of her neck and shoulder. Her body reacted in place of her foggy, barely awake mind, moving closer and deeper into the movement just barely. It sent a pleasurable sweep of sensations into her limbs, something that lit up the gray mist that cloaked her growing awareness.

On her stomach, his other hand moved as well, though in such a subtle way it was apparent even he didn't realize it. His fingers curled against the fabric of her shirt, just above the hem of her jeans, occasionally brushing near her navel. The curious shock in April's body followed the movements and then spread, reaching the tips of her fingers and toes before April finally opened her eyes.

Without moving her head, she glanced upwards to see Raphael's face.

He was looking away, at some dark corner of the room. His perusal of her hair continued, the tenderness and familiarity never wavering. April frowned at his expression, which looked stormy and troubled in contrast to his gentle touches. He shouldn't be feeling like that, she decided, her mind struggling to come to full realization of what was happening.

He shouldn't look like that. Like he was so forlorn and anxious, not when he was holding her like this. It didn't match the way his fingers moved or the way it made April _feel_.

Slowly, April shifted in Raphael's grip. His movements stopped, his eyes looking back to her, surprised. She turned carefully, her eyes on his in way that she hoped would relax him. Or perhaps she hoped it would relax _her_, because when she turned fully, knees on the couch between his legs and her body still caught between them, she felt the speed of adrenaline race through her. Her heart pounded.

Raphael said nothing as April's eyes drifted down his front to where her hands balanced against his plastron. She let her body fall forward to lean against his again, this time with their torsos pressed together in the imitation of a much more intimate pose. She fought the urge to look up, instead curling the fingertips of one hand across one of the many scars and tracing it silently.

Raphael's breathing hitched. She could feel his inhale, pressed against him as she was. It felt like the air he'd taken had come directly from her. April let her eyes move up to his again and she pulled herself up just enough to level their gazes in one fluid sliding motion.

She hadn't touched him anywhere she hadn't before. She hadn't said anything or moved any closer than she'd been for the last hour. And still -

_This was different. _

So far, Raphael had remained completely still, his wide-eyed expression tracking her every movement. However, when her fingernails scraped lightly over his front, Raphael reacted by reaching up and gripping both of her hips in a sudden, powerful grasp. The motion made her rock against him just once, her lips parted in surprise and something else, something far less familiar to her. The way his hands curled against her was jarring and the strength of it made April tremble. There was nothing ambiguous about the hold, nothing brotherly or platonic.

April exhaled shakily, making no motion to move away.

".. guys, we're home!"

"Man, I'm hungry - "

April barely had time to react before Raphael jerked away from her, and within seconds, she was alone on the couch and he was nothing more than a shadow in some distant part of the lair. She gasped shakily, her hand jumping to her flushed neck, her eyes watering.

Mikey, Leo and Casey all appeared in the living room area and one of them flicked on a light switch. April blinked, her body still trembling. She pushed it all away and quickly wiped at the corner of her eyes.

"Hey," Leo said, sounding surprised. "I didn't know you were going to be here this late."

"I just... fell asleep," April steadied her voice carefully. Leo was very perceptive. Even now, he was studying her. Something was wrong, he could see it. "I was reading." April pointed to the coffee table and Leo nodded. "Right," he said and offered her a small smile. Mikey and Casey were already in the kitchen, scrounging for food. Raphael was no where to be seen.

"Do you want to stay here or you need to go home? I can take you," Leo offered, but April only shook her head. "No, I'll call a cab so I don't have to walk."

"You sure?" he asked. He never liked her going home alone, cab or not. "I'm sure. I'll be fine," she reassured him, taking in a deep breath. Without another word, she grabbed her purse and hurried out of the lair, leaving the book behind on the table.

* * *

><p><em>It's too late, Raphael. It's too fucking late. <em>

* * *

><p>Author's Note: Steamy.<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

Author's Note: Hey guys! Thank you so much for the reviews for the last chapter! Every critique helps me improve and every compliment makes me feel awesome.

I would like to note that I upped the rating to M. In truth, this probably should have been rated Mature for the language alone, but I didn't want to deter people by thinking this story contained explicit sex or violence. Nothing against it - I've written both before - but they won't be in this fic. Still, I think it warrants it now.

On another note, **Karai **will be in TWO scenes in this chapter, one of which will not feature Raphael or April. This is the only scene like it in the story. You can skip it if it's not your thing, but I believe it gives good context to the scene she has with our two main characters, as well as to the ending of the story. It also gives a clue to how Leonardo's been dealing since Donnie's death.

* * *

><p>Even the ringing of his t-phone sounded insistent.<p>

She'd only called twice, and it wasn't out of the ordinary for Raphael not to always pick up. Unlike Mikey, he didn't carry the damn thing around with him everywhere. Still, he knew if he didn't pick up this time, she'd worry.

"Hello?" Raphael grunted into the phone. The sound of people talking in the background filtered through the line. April must just now be getting out of school.

"Hey Raph," she said, only a hint of hesitation to her voice. "I was just calling to see if we could move our training to seven tonight. I really need to get some studying done at the library." The red clad turtle glanced at the clock, as if it made a difference. He took his time answering. As he'd said to April many times before, he was not a good liar. He didn't care to be, not when being blunt was so much more readily available and took far less time.

He and April had switched up their training session times often. She had things to do, after all. It had never been an issue. He had never turned her away.

And yet that was exactly what he did now.

"Uh, actually I ... I uh, got somethin' to do with Casey around that time," Raphael shuffled in his spot in the living area. A pause followed on April's end of the line. "Oh," she said. "Well, maybe I can come by later than that."

"Nah, it's alright. It's a school night. We can just.. ya know, cancel training for tonight and pick it back up tomorrow."

April huffed on her end of the phone. "What? We've _never _missed a training day. For the last - forever! Raph - "

"S'not that big of a deal," Raphael interrupted. "We can just call it your rest day and we'll train on Sunday instead." Nevermind the fact that Sunday was supposed to be _his _rest day, and he and April had been using it for the last "forever" as she put it, to go to the movies or watch a concert in Central Park from the tops of shaded trees.

He could practically hear April's frown, could see her eyes shift and lower.

"Well, I... I guess, if that's what you want," she said reluctantly, her tone dipping sadly. Raphael fought with himself not to change his mind. Not to tell her that coming over at seven was fine, because in reality, he knew Casey was working his night job tonight. If April found out he was lying, he'd be in for some hell.

Raphael's mind floated to two nights ago. The darkness of the living room. Her body, slowly turning and shifting on his without letting up any of the devilish weight, her hands -

"Don't worry, we'll make up the practice," Raphael said in a voice that didn't sound quite right, no matter how hard he tried. He shifted in his spot again, his eyes downcast even though he was alone in the room. "Hey, I gotta go. I'll see ya." Without waiting for a reply, he clicked off the phone and gripped it tight, eyes shutting for a moment before he let out a growl.

The only thing that kept him from hurling the phone into a wall was knowing no one was left to fix it.

* * *

><p>The truth of the matter was that avoiding April simply would not work.<p>

There were a lot of reasons why this was, one of them being that April was stubborn as hell and Raphael couldn't have deterred her with a sai to her throat (as if he ever would.) Another was that April was, as any of the turtles knew, a part of their family and welcome in the lair at any time. She had many of her own things around the lair and it had been that way for years. There was no refusing her presence.

Perhaps most importantly of all, however, was that Raphael was in no state of denial about April's tentative stability. She was happy most days now, but he had no doubt that any sort of disruption would hurt her. If he suddenly pulled away, when - let's face it - they spent most of their time together, she would be hurt. And he'd be damned if he let her linger anywhere close to how she was when he'd pulled her unconscious body out of that bathtub. He'd have to do something fast and, even worse, be subtle about it. Which, as anyone would be able to tell you, was not Raphael's strong point.

And yet he had to pull away. He had to do _something _because if he'd been able to ignore any of the more understated, strange feelings of comfort, familiarity, warmth and tenderness he'd felt around her over the past year, he was unable to deny the very _familiar _sort of arousal he'd felt at her closeness on the couch.

He'd seen attractive human girls before. He'd thought Karai was pretty damn good looking the first time he'd seen her, though the feeling had instantly vanished when she'd opened her _bitch _mouth. Besides, the way Leonardo looked at Karai made Raphael ill.

But those feelings had been singular. He'd had no problem thinking on them, no sense of guilt or shame. It wasn't as if he thought it would make a damn bit of difference. That night with April, however, those shell-tingling sensations had been coupled with and enveloped by an almost deity like admiration that seized control of his limbs and made him want nothing more on this planet than to touch her, bring her closer.

And he had! He had grabbed her, in his rough and unsettling way. Probably scared the hell out of her. No wonder she didn't say anything. He was surprised she'd even called him today. April was not kind to men who groped her, as Casey Jones had found out only once before.

It had been such an overwhelming feeling. It had _frightened _him. He'd never felt so out of control of his limbs, his pounding heart, the raging pulse of all the adrenaline making its way through his body. It was something close to how he felt in a good fight, only he knew that the resolution would not be to rip through something with his sai. That he could handle.

This he could not.

However, as Raphael knew well, he could not simply pull away from April. Instead, he vowed to himself he would ease away from her, bit by bit, until the wildly uncomfortable associations of her presence, her touch, her smell and her voice left him back in the small but comfortable circle of friends and family.

And no more.

* * *

><p><em>Some days, he did really well.<em>

* * *

><p>"Hey!"<p>

Raphael glanced up at the sound of April's voice overheard. He was kneeled in front of one of the cabinets in the living room, digging around for an extension cord. He'd recently acquired a fish tank, if for no other reason than to distract himself. Fucking fish. They were so stupid. It made him feel better about his own position in life to look at them swimming in aimless circles.

"Yeah?" he said, not looking up at the redhead. They'd already trained today and it had been the same it had been for the last week - quiet, rather stoic, with just enough conversation to keep April subdued but not enough to touch on more sensitive subjects. She hadn't said anything about that night and Raphael sure as hell wasn't going to start.

"I took the night off from studying so we could go watch that fireworks show," she said cheerily, rocking back and forth on her feet. When Raphael didn't respond immediately, she leaned on the shelf and peered down at him. "It was really pretty last year."

Raphael glanced up at her just once and then instantly turned back to his perusal of the cabinet. Where _was _that cord? For the love of whatever was holy to turtles, please just let April go away.

"I, uh. I got somethin' to do with Casey tonight. Sorry."

April frowned and folded her arms over her chest. Raphael located the cord and stood reluctantly, keeping his gaze away from hers. "You can't.. do it some other night?" she asked, and Raphael heard her give a forced little laugh. "I mean, I... I've kinda been looking forward to this for a while. I thought you and I could go and stay on top of the Staten building, that one has the best - "

"I can't, sorry." Raphael closed the cabinet door roughly and it echoed throughout the lair, making April flinch a little. Her hand jumped up to touch her hair and he could see she was trying to figure out what to say. "Take Mikey," he offered finally, even though he wanted to end the conversation right _now. _

April put her hands on her hips and now he could see that the relative patience she'd had with his distance all week was wearing thin. Typical April. He was surprised she'd lasted this long.

"What's the deal, Raph?"

"Ain't no _deal_," he huffed, a bit more aggressively than he meant. The growing threat of irritation and panic welled inside of him. "I just got somethin' to with Casey, that's all!"

"You've been hanging out with Casey a _lot _lately."

"Yeah and why are you so damn worried about it? Go hang out with your damn girlfriend, April! Take her to your lights show!" Raphael exclaimed, tossing out the arm holding the wire and forcing April to take a step back, her eyes wide.

He growled and curled a hand around the extension cord. "You know, you just always assume that I don't have anything else to do besides hang out with you, but I do. So just - _go already!" _

He stomped out of the room as quickly as he could manage without breaking out into a full run. Because, _damn it_... he was an asshole. And he needed her to know it.

April deserved so much better.

* * *

><p>He called her a few hours later to apologize and tell her he'd been having a bad day. She'd forgiven him. Damn it.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Other days, not so much.<em>

* * *

><p>"Raph! Raph! RaphRaphRaphRaphRaph!"<p>

April's excited shrieks bounced off every wall of the lair and Raphael thought it seemed like forever before he finally spotted April herself, rounding a corner and running full-speed into the living room with a manic grin on her face. Before he could react, the ecstatic girl jumped high in his arms and Raphael dropped the magazine he was holding to grab her around the backs of her thighs.

"Whoa!" he grinned, unable to hold back his laughter as he looked up at her gleeful face. "What's this all about, crazy?"

"I got valedictorian, Raph!" she exclaimed, beaming down at him as he hands found his shoulders. "I'm graduating at the top of my class!"

Raphael chuckled and slowly lowered April down the length of his body until the tips of her sneakers found the floor once more. His arms stayed curled around her even as she found her footing and, if possible, April's smile grew. "'Course you did," Raphael said, leaning his shell against the wall. April moved with him, her arms tight around his neck. She had to stretch to keep them there but she never loosened her grip.

"I don't know how you could be so confident about it!" she laughed. "I was so, so worried when I got back to school. I thought about all the time I missed and I wasn't sure if I would even catch up, much less get the grades I really wanted."

"Yeah, well," Raphael tilted his head at her. "You probably coulda' stayed outta school for a decade and still been smarter than everyone else there." He brushed a piece of red hair out of April's face and tucked it behind her ear. "I'm proud of ya," he murmured.

April sighed happily and leaned into Raphael's neck. "Thank you," she said softly. "For what you did."

"Me?" Raphael questioned quietly. "You're the one that did the work."

"Raphael, I wouldn't have even been in school right now, much less be graduating if it weren't for you." April lifted her head and looked up at him, her lips curling into gentle smile. Raphael returned it, though he pull his eyes away from hers and lower his head. His fingers twitched at her lower back.

"I just got ya' standing, April. You're the one who kept yourself there."

Despite the warning signs blinking ominously in his head, Raphael let one of his hands drift up and brush April's jawline. She leaned into the touch and closed her eyes briefly. With a quiet exhale, she pressed back into his embrace and let the excitement wash over her before settling into a satisfying state of exhaustion.

Raphael decided he could allow himself to share this moment with her, if only once.

* * *

><p>His brothers were watching some sort of stupid show on television and the constant noise was making him loopy. He was situated on one side of a small card table, trying to play a game of solitaire.<p>

He was beyond irritated and quickly approaching irate when Leo picked that moment to turn around in his beanbag chair and toss a rolled up piece of paper at him.

"What's your problem, Raph? I can hear your angry breathing from over here."

"ARGH - " The card table sailed into the air and flipped before smashing into a couple of broken plastic pieces on the ground. Cards fluttered to the ground in a disarray. Leonardo and Michelangelo looked up and stared. "Shut up, Leo!" Raphael snapped.

"Yeah, that was _totally _called for," Michelangelo piped up sarcastically.

"And you shut up, too!" Raphael glared at Mikey and then disappeared from the room with a glare, leaving the other two brothers to look back at each other, perplexed. "Seemed a little excessive, even for Raph," Leo said, eyebrow ridge raised. Mikey nodded and munched on some dry cereal.

"Yeah, I heard him and April arguing in the dojo today. Might be it."

"Really? About what?" Leo asked, settling back into his beanbag. Mikey shrugged and stuffed a mouthful of rice crispies into his cheeks. "She was yelling something about him ditching her again. Been hearing her say that a lot over the last few weeks."

Leo frowned. "Strange," he said, glancing back at the empty doorway Raphael had vanished into. The show continued on, but Leonardo's thoughts were elsewhere.

* * *

><p>Raphael nearly burst through April's window in his haste.<p>

She'd texted him five times telling him to hurry up and come over to her apartment, but he'd honestly not seen it until about ten minutes ago. Now he was in a panic, hurrying into her place and then nearly seizing with fear when he didn't immediately see her.

"April!" he called out.

"I'm in the bedroom, give me a second!" she called calmly through a closed door. Raphael blinked and then scowled deeply. "Are you in there getting _d___ressed_? _Damn it, April, I thought something was wrong!" He'd have never come to her apartment if he hadn't thought it was an emergency. He'd avoided the place like crazy over the last month.

He sheathed his sai and narrowed his eyes.

"What? Why would you think that?" she called. "I just wanted you to get here before Melanie does!" Raphael settled the door with a fierce glare, blinking in surprise when it opened and April stepped out.

He gulped audibly and took a step back towards the window, his hands frozen at his sides.

April stepped out of her room with a shy smile and smoothed down the non-existent folds of her prom dress. "What do you think?" she asked, twirling a bit. The dress wasn't like the other poofy, prissy ones he'd seen on television when he'd researched the topic. April's dress was a deep navy blue, one shouldered and made of the sort of material that shamelessly dropped down every curve until it stopped at the floor.

Just a hint of powder, blush and perfume completed the ensemble, April's long red hair in a curly side ponytail that sat prettily on the strapless shoulder. She tucked her chin to her chest and bit a pink lip, fingers twisting in front of her. Raphael still hadn't answered her question.

In fact, he was as close to the window as he could possibly be without actually being _in _it. April quickly realized she'd rarely seen him so terrified.

"Well?" she prompted, laughing a bit and hoping it covered the sound of her pounding heart. When she chanced a look up at Raphael's face, she saw a distance there she'd never seen before. He was so far away from her, he may as well be on another planet.

"It's nice," he said finally, his tone absent and almost flat. He blinked at her, as if he expected her to do something. April brushed her hand over her curly hair self-consciously.

"I know it's weird," she said after a long moment of silence. "Seeing me all dressed up. I pretty much always look the same." The attempt at levity did nothing for the tension in the room. If anything, the dismissive look on Raphael's face intensified.

"Yeah, well... s'posed to be a special night, I guess." _I wouldn't know, _were his unspoken words. April wondered how long they would stand like this, as far apart as the living room would allow and yet both unmoving, but then Melanie knocked on her door and April turned at the noise.

"One minute!" she called, and she expected Raphael to be gone when she turned back. However, her was still there. Now, instead of half-crouching in the window sill, he stood straight and tall, half enveloped in shadows.

"Have fun with your friend," Raphael said, his tone strange and unfamiliar. April felt the well of tears (_what a stupid girl thing to do, April!) _gather at the backs of her eyes, but she kept them at bay long enough to wave to Raphael.

"Bye," she whispered.

He disappeared out of the window without another word. April left with Melanie and pushed herself to do as Raphael had said. To have fun. Honestly, she _did _have fun, even though the unhappy nagging in the back of her mind persisted all night.

* * *

><p>"For the last time, Raph. Yes! I saw her go back to Melanie's house and she's staying the night there," Casey groaned into his phone. Raphael grunted on the other end.<p>

"No creeper following them, no guy trying to get her to go home with him?"

"Nope," Casey said for the fifth time.

"No drunk driving, right?"

"No, dude. This is April we're talking about. She's probably watching girly movies in bed with that Melanie girl right about now while everyone else is out partying their asses off."

"And nobody gave her a problem at the dance?"

"Nobody gave her a problem," Casey said firmly. "Raphael, relax, man. She's fine. I promise."

Raphael sighed. "Alright, thanks Casey. I appreciate it." He paused. "You be careful too, stupid. Call me if you need a lift. I got my bike." Casey chuckled on his end of the phone. "I'm crashing at my friend Ricky's place tonight, so no worries. We'll hang when I'm done nursing this hangover though, alright?"

"Yeah, see ya."

* * *

><p>A swift jab. A kick. A grunt and April toppled over again, but as he had done time after time before, Raphael caught her before she hit the ground. April pulled away from him and straightened on her own.<p>

"I thought the whole point in bringing me out here was so I could fight _without _the mats," she said crossly, gesturing to the business building rooftop. Raphael backed away from her and folded his arms, eyes averted. "Yeah, it was," he muttered.

"Then stop catching me every time I fall!" she exclaimed, stomping a foot.

Raphael huffed. "The point is to teach your feet how to work on something unpadded, April, not bruise you the hell up on a damn rusty rooftop!"

"Just get on with it," the redhead snapped, dropping back into her stance. Raphael did the same, his eyes narrowed. The next round of kicks and hits were fierce, and even though Raphael never used his full strength with April, she had no problem keeping toe to toe with him in speed and agility. A kick to Raphael's stomach surprised him into a backwards roll, but he quickly recovered and cut April's feet out from underneath her. She landed roughly, this time without Raphael's arms to cushion her.

She coughed once and then waved Raphael away as he approached. "I got it," she growled, straightening and brushing off her clothes. "I tell you everyday," Raphael said in an effort to distract himself from the insane amount of discomfort he felt. "Watch the feet. You never watch the feet, April."

"I heard you the first million times!"

"Yeah, well, hearing and listening are two different things, smart mouth!" Raphael countered. "Use your brain or someone's gonna cut you down!"

April answered with a fierce shriek and a kick that caught Raphael in the jaw. His vision swam for just a moment before he jumped back up and caught her next kick, forcing her to spin out of it. The next few hits brought them close together, arms knocking painfully against each other. They appeared to be somewhat evenly matched until Raphael decided he'd had enough. He took April by her forearm and twisted her around until her back hit the wall of the rooftop entrance alcove. She gasped in surprise - and perhaps a bit of pain - before Raphael's hand slammed into the wall just to the left of her head, effectively trapping her there.

They both panted heavily, speaking no words.

His other arm was still bent and poised high, near April's throat, their bodies close. Raphael brought his eyes to hers and saw a mirror image of everything he was feeling. Anger, frustration, confusion and desperation. His fingers curled against the wall next to April's head and he couldn't hide the look on his face, so he simply dipped it low and let his head fall with a thunk into the wall just above April's shoulder.

He heard her swallow right next to him and reach out to touch his front.

He looked up at her and was surprised to see she looked distraught. Her fingers curled against his plastron and she pressed closer.

"Raphael - "

"Well, look who I found."

Raphael and April jerked away from each other, each narrowing their gaze in turn as they found the figure high on the rooftop scaffolding. Karai leaned casually on a beam, her dark eyes devious. "And here I'd thought I would be bored tonight." She twirled a blade around her finger.

Raphael's blood spiked, and not in the way it had just a moment ago when April had touched him. He quickly brandished his sai, but he made no move towards Karai. She was alone. He glanced to his side and saw April had drawn her metal fan, her blue eyes alight with the special kind of hatred she reserved specifically for Karai.

_Shit, _he thought. They did not need this fight right now. Not when April was already so worked up.

So Raphael turned away from Karai, just enough to keep her in his line of sight and dismiss her as well. "Get outta here, Karai," he said nonchalantly. "Ain't nobody got time for your shit."

With a nearly silent leap and flip, Karai landed smoothly next to Raphael and offered a flippant smile at April. "That's not true," she said lightly, taking a slow, certain stride until she passed in front of Raphael. It was then that she dropped a fingertip to his plastron and dragged it lazily across his front as she walked by. When she spoke, she leaned close and used a whisper only he could hear.

"_Leonardo does._"

Raphael's eyes widened, and only the look on April's face as he spotted it over Karai's shoulder stilled him from reacting violently at Karai's touch. April looked positively _venomous. _

Raphael snarled at Karai and made a half-hearted swing at her with his sai, which she deftly avoided with a back handspring. When she straightened, she folded her arms and rolled her eyes, a smirk settling on her lips.

"What's the matter, Raphael? Growing frustrated with your pupil?"

She sent a mocking smile at April. "I'm sure it would get tiresome, having such a lackluster student." Raphael tensed when April advanced on the Japanese woman, her fan drawn. "Go ahead and try me, Karai," April hissed. "Then you can go crawling back to Shredder to explain to him how this lackluster student _beat _you into a pulp."

Karai laughed, looking truly amused.

"Your mouth always was your one and only weapon," she said, a dark brow raised. "Pity you're training it to do the wrong thing." A sly glance to her side at Raphael, who gripped his sai with a trembling rage. "Anyway, I just thought I'd stop by... in the neighborhood, and all that. I can already tell, however, that you two will be just no fun tonight."

She shrugged. "Guess I'll have to find entertainment elsewhere."

"Get back here!" April shouted. "Unless you're afraid to fight!"

"April, stop!" Raphael growled, before turning to Karai and pointing his sai at her. "Go. _Now. _Or I'll make sure there's not even enough of you to left to cremate." Karai hummed and then shrugged her shoulders. "Fine," she said airily, waving a hand. "But don't worry... I'll be seeing both of you very, very soon."

She smiled and, in an instant, vanished into the shadows.

Raphael clenched his blades and then shoved them roughly back into his belt. He had only a moment of silence before April exploded.

"What the _hell, _Raph?" she yelled, advancing on him with an enraged shout. "You just let that bitch go?!" Raphael blinked at April and then scowled deeply. "What did you want to do, April? She wasn't here to fight! She's just a psychopath looking for any reason to rile people up."

April threw her fan down in disgust and pointed at Raphael.

"That sorry snake has been trying to kill us ALL since day one! She's with the Foot, Raphael! She's - She's the reason Donnie's dead!"

Raphael let out a frustrated yell. "She is not, April! That was the Kraang, not Karai or the Foot - "

"Oh, so now you're _defending _her?" April shrieked in disbelief. Raphael groaned. "Of course not - "

"Let me guess, _you _have a crush on her, too!"

Raphael stared. "What? _No!" _

April turned away from him, her arms folded and her face red and hot with angry tears. She quickly took several steps away from him and cast her gaze downward, at the New York City street. A sob bubbled in her throat and welled behind her eyes.

"Then w_hy _were you - "

"Damn it, April! I wasn't thinkin' about Karai, I was thinkin' about you!"

Silence, broken up only be the sounds of traffic on the streets, clouded the air. April sniffled once and looked up, her clouded vision finding Raphael standing several feet away, his expression a broken mixture of anger and hurt. April turned slowly to face him.

"About me?" she questioned, her voice small.

Raphael snorted, his jaw clenched. "Yeah, about you." He turned a hard gaze onto April's face. "I can handle Karai, April," he said in a exasperated rush. "But all she woulda' had to do is get me down for three seconds, just once, and she could have pitched you off this roof and then you would have been g_one forever!" _

The last word echoed in April's mind.

Raphael opened his mouth to speak, but apparently words failed him, because he fell silent again with nothing more than a gurgled grunt. April swallowed and brushed at her face with a shaky hand. "Good to know you care," she muttered bitterly, her eyes cast away.

She heard Raphael breathe out indignantly.

"You know I do," he sounded pained, so much so that April turned to face him again.

Neither spoke a word for a long while. Raphael was the first one to move. He extended a hand to her, though he didn't meet her gaze. "Come on. I need to get you home." They shimmied down the broken fire escape together and onto the streets, where they moved in the alleyways until they came to April's apartment. She looked at him over her shoulder before stepping out into the lit sidewalk.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, though she'd never be able to explain what she was apologizing for. Raphael seemed to understand, though, as he so often did.

"Me too," he murmured in reply. He dropped away into the darkness without another word.

* * *

><p>They sat facing away from each other, as they often did.<p>

Maybe it made it easier to accept their situation. Or maybe they were just both very, very strange. In reality, it was a little bit of both.

"Why is it..." said the female voice from one corner of the scaffolding, "... that the only way I can get decent sushi in this town is to get it from a _turtle_?"

Leonardo smirked down at his chopsticks and dropped them down to the tray balanced on his knees. He shrugged. "I'm just talented, I guess."

Karai laughed from her corner, only visible to Leonardo in bits and pieces from where he sat. They ate in silence for a few minutes more, occasionally taking the time to try pieces from the other's tray. The wind whistled around them.

"I saw one of your brothers the other day," Karai said. Leonardo paused mid-bite, though he chose to chew and swallow carefully before speaking. "Really?" he inquired. "Which one?" As if he had to ask.

"I don't know," Karai said loftily. "You all look the same."

Leonardo rolled his eyes. "You know all of our names, Karai," he said wryly. He couldn't see her face, but he could easily imagine her smirk. "Yes, but I like to use my amazing linguistic prowess to _describe _each of you instead."

Leonardo set aside his tray. "Alright," he agreed. "So describe him."

"The angry one," answered Karai.

Leonard blinked and turned his head in her direction. "That's it?" he asked with an eyeroll. "That was your amazing linguistic prowess?"

Karai shrugged. "English is my second language."

Leonardo grinned a bit to himself and folded his hands in his lap. "What was he doing?" he asked, head tilting in her direction once more. He heard Karai set aside her tray.

"Training that _girl, _April O'Neil," Karai sneered. Leonardo shook his head. "You know, I really don't get why you two dislike each other so much. You're really pretty sim - "

"Don't you dare say it, Leo!"

He shut up, but his smile remained. "Fine," he said with a wave of his hand. Even though it was totally true, and one day he would have to convince her of that.

Karai shifted in her spot. "Honestly, though. I don't see how you stand being around those two when they're together. _Eugh." _

Leonardo's smile gave way to a confused frown. "What do you mean?" he asked, and he was surprised when Karai leaned around her corner of the scaffolding to give him a disbelieving look. "Oh, please. Don't tell me you're so blind."

"About what?"

Karai turned fully around her corner and leveled Leonardo with a searing gaze. "How can you not see it? Your brother and that girl are so _infatuated _with each other, it makes me want to _vomit blood." _

Leonardo gave a disbelieving huff. "What_? _You're crazy."

"Maybe," Karai agreed lightly. "But that doesn't mean this isn't true."

"Raphael helped April when she was going through her depression. He trains her and.. ya know, hangs out with her. They're not like... together," Leonardo said, even as his mind drifted over to a number of strange occurrences over the last several months. Karai rolled her eyes. "Believe what you want, but I saw it myself. I have no reason to lie."

She leaned back against her side of the scaffolding.

"It sure was fun watching them squirm, though."

Leo jerked in surprise next to her. "You actually _confronted _them, Karai?" he exclaimed, and when he heard only a snicker in response, he snatched her up in a flash and slammed her against the metal with a c_link. _

"You know you're not supposed to go near my family, Karai!"

She blinked up at him, her dark eyes shifting to the steel grips he had on each of her arms. She grinned a bit, eyebrows raised and her expression unrepentant.

"You know better than that," Leonardo continued, his voice low and dangerous. "If you endanger them in _any _way, I will never come to see you again."

"Oh, what a threat," she said tonelessly, her eyes shifting off to the side as if his warning bored her. "I mean it," Leonardo snarled, drawing her up higher off the ground and pressing her back further. "You stay away from them! _All _of them."

Karai kicked her legs a little and then sighed. "Calm down, drama queen. This was days ago. Don't you think you would have heard about it by now if I had fought them?" Leonardo's tension abated just a bit and, inch by inch, he lowered her back to the ground. Karai brushed herself off.

"And really, if anything, I _helped _the situation."

Leonardo sighed, his limbs suddenly feeling very heavy. "Somehow, I doubt that," he said dryly. Karai smirked, unphased. "No, really. Just wait."

The two of them stood in silence for several moments before Karai spoke up.

"I won't be able to come see you again for a while," she said. The teasing, playful tone of before was gone. Leonardo glanced up at her, his brows furrowed. "Why?" he asked, straightening from where he had slumped on the edge of the roof. Karai put her hands on her hips.

"I've kept him distracted for as long as I can with fighting the Kraang, but Shredder and the full force of the Foot will be back in the city in just a few weeks." She stepped closer to him and set her dark eyes on his. "Your mourning period is _over_. I can't keep him away anymore."

Leonardo inhaled deeply, the familiar burn of anxiety grappling at the strings in his chest.

"I understand," said Leonardo quietly. He glanced up at Karai then. "Will you be fighting with them?"

Karai scowled and turned away. "Of course I will. And don't look like a kicked puppy just because I gave you the same answer I've always given you." Leonardo looked away and grunted. Karai's phone beeped at her hip and she glanced at it, her expression pursed unpleasantly. "I have to go." Leonardo turned to face her again and was surprised to find her just an inch or two away.

Her hand sneaked up his chest and wound around his neck, pulling their faces close. Leonardo watched her unblinkingly, his own three-fingered hands dropping to settle demurely on her waist. They both allowed the moment to linger. When Karai spoke, her lips very nearly brushed his.

"The next time I see you, Leo..." she whispered, her dark eyes flashing. " ... I _will _fight you."

Leonardo raised his head a bit and looked down at her without sacrificing the closeness of their bodies. "I know," he replied, his voice low. "And I'll win."

Karai's mouth curled into a pleased grin and she ghosted her lips over his in a teasing imitation of a kiss. Then she pulled away quickly and turned, moving to drop away into the darkness.

_I won't be able to come see you again for a while. _

Leonardo drew in a deep breath, a wave of emotions washing over him in a cleansing sort of way. Before Karai could move fully out of reach, the eldest turtle's hands darted out and turned her to face him once more. In one quick movement, Leonardo slipped his arms around her complete, lifted her easily on top of an old airconditioning unit and then yanked her forward until she was flush against him.

Karai made a noise he'd never heard her make before - surprise, maybe - before she raked her gaze over Leonardo appreciatively and fought to cover a mischievous grin. It slipped into a smirk as Leonardo drew his hands down her thighs and wrapped her legs at his waist, his blue eyes trained on hers. Karai's fingers reached up and twirled in the tails of his mask and she used them to draw his face close once more.

Her phone beeped again, but this time when Karai took it out, she tossed it to the side.

And Leonardo knew they would be there for a while.

* * *

><p>Author's Note: The next chapter will be the last! Sorry for all the anger in this chapter.<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note: Hey guys! Good news! I fleshed out this chapter and it will NOT be the last. Chapter Ten, however, will be. It makes me feel better to leave an even number of chapters. Enjoy.

As always, thanks for the amazing support. I will genuinely be sad when this is over. I'm incredibly grateful for your time and attention.

* * *

><p><em>The road was strangely devoid of traffic.<em>

_In New York City, it was a sign of the apocalypse. And yet Raphael and April made no mention of it, instead commenting on things like the weather - dark - and the buildings as they passed by. Above, thunder roiled in the distance. _

_Their conversation was strangely muffled, even to Raphael's ears. It cleared as they rounded a corner and came to face a group of Kraang. Raphael jumped into a defensive postion, but his sai were gone from his hands in an instant. April screamed next to him._

_The sky blackened. The thunder sounded closer. Where was everyone? Why were there so many Kraang? _

_Suddenly, the wave of pink, gruesome creatures parted like the split wound. In the center of their morbid grins was a small, blinking device. Before Raphael could stop her, April inexplicably ran forward and took it in her hands. _

_When she spoke, it was in Donnie's voice. _

_"Don't worry, guys. I'll take a quick look." _

_"No!" Raphael screamed, but his feet refused to move and he could only watch as April erupted into a funnel of flames that jumped into the black sky. The Kraang had disappeared. It was only the two of them on the street. _

_Raphael and the burning, writhing pile of screams that had been April O'Neil. _

* * *

><p>"AGH!"<p>

Raphael pitched forward with a strangled shout, his breathing rapid and shallow. Green eyes darted around the shadowed room, familiar items offering him only a brief sense of comfort. The reality of his bedroom steadied his feet only a little and he staggered forward, a hand gripping his shelf.

A glance at his clock. Four in the morning.

Raphael snatched up his mask and tied it quickly, along with his belt. He passed a sleeping Mikey on his way out, but he left the lair without a word.

* * *

><p>No less than fifteen minutes later, Raphael crouched outside of April's window. He tried to lift it, but for once, she had followed his directions and locked it. His fist furled against the window and he barely contained a frustrated yell. Instead, a choked sob escaped him.<p>

He might have stayed like that, his head pressed against the cool glass and his shoulders hunched, if April O'Neil had not appeared on the other side like a peering apparition.

Raphael pulled away as the window slid open and he immediately dropped inside. Without warning, his arms jumped out to her and pulled her close, winding her into his embrace. April made a soft, startled noise in response, but after just a moment she reached up and curled her fingers over his lower arm.

Raphael pulled away enough to look at her, an agonizing twist of embarrassment, fury and grief fighting its way into his chest. He'd never been able to disguise his emotions well. Tonight was no exception. It was a vulnerability that had never felt so raw as it did now.

"Are you okay..?" she asked softly, her voice tender and raspy with sleep. Raphael drew his gaze away, his grip on her loosening but not falling. He didn't care to explain the blind panic that had pierced him when he'd first woken.

"M'fine..." he murmured finally, but the trembling of his hands at the waistband of her pajamas gave him away. April's eyes drifted and her hand own moved down the length of his arm until she folded her fingers over his. When she looked back at him, she stepped forward and pressed her other hand high on his chest. "What happened?" she whispered.

Raphael's throat clenched. When he spoke, every syllable wavered.

"Nightmare," he managed finally.

He watched April's eyes shift with understanding, her lips parting briefly and then falling close again. She seemed to know that words would not help, that no amount of logic could dissuade the torrent of agony laced with fear.

"I'm here," she told him, her voice quiet but firm. Raphael's eyes jumped to hers, and he knew she meant she was here for _him, _not simply here in this life, warm and alive and standing right in front of him, which should have been his only concern. Raphael leaned weakly against the window, his arms shifting around her. She moved with him, her head dropping to his shoulder and her fingers tight over his.

"Don't leave me again," whispered April. Raphael blinked out of the haze of wary calm that had settled over him. When he glanced down at her, April turned her gaze to his.

"I won't," he vowed.

* * *

><p>The rolling chair made for a poor table, but Raphael didn't care to come out of his room just now. Instead, he settled for completing his chore from a place on his couch.<p>

His hand worked under the rag methodically, shining the metal of a shuriken to perfection. It was task he normally abhorred for its idle and tedious nature. Tonight, he revelled in the mindless nature of it. His peace was short-lived.

"Hey bro," Mikey entered Raphael's bedroom with much less caution than he normal. Raphael grunted in his direction and made no comment about Mikey entering the Forbidden Zone. His brother paused near the couch, his stance shifting into one of uncertainty. He fell into uncharacterstic silence for so long that Raphael almost forgot he was there.

"So can we talk about you and April yet?"

Raphael froze, his eyes darting away from the polishing cloth and up to his brother's face. Mikey shrugged and shut the door behind him. Before Raphael had a chance to speak, he'd stepped up to the couch.

"Good," Mikey said with a chirpy smile. "Because you need to talk."

"The hell I do," Raphael said, finally grabbing a hold of his faculties once more. "Get out, Mikey - "

"No, dude. You need to get this out."

"I'm _busy,_" Raphael snarled. To his great surprise, Mikey brought up a foot and kicked away the rolling chair with all of Raphael's tools, sending it crashing into the other side of the room.

"And now you're not," he folded his arms.

Raphael jumped up, his eyes blazing. Before he could speak - or throw a punch - Mikey held up both hands, his eyes sharp. It was an unfamiliar sight. "Hey, man. Beat me up when we're done if you want, but you gotta get this outta' your system!"

"You have no idea what you're talkin' about, Mikey - "

"Then tell me!" Mikey argued, tossing up his arms in exasperation. "Tell _someone_!"

"NO!" Raphael roared, the volume of his voice causing them both to take a step back. He panted, his fists curled painfully tight at his sides. The youngest turtle eyed Raphael warily, but he did not turn away or leave. Instead, he folded his arms once more and stood firm.

Raphael growled and turned away, dropping back onto his couch once more. He fell silent, which was obviously enough invitation for his brother. The younger of the two cleaned off the seat of the desk chair and rolled it forward, finding a place in front of Raphael and watching him speculatively.

They sat in heated, tense silence for almost ten minutes before Raphael spoke up.

"The hell you want me to say?"

Mikey sighed, his expression unusually sad. He leaned back in the desk chair and it creaked. "I don't know, man. Maybe.. what you're feeling. Why you're so upset. Why you and April are like... I don't know." He tilted his head. "Why can't you just be with her and be happy?" he asked, and Raphael almost snorted at the innocent inquiry. He looked away.

"S'not that simple."

"Why?"

Mikey warded off a flinch when Raphael lashed out, sending a row of magazines into a violent flurry. "It just isn't!" he shouted, his eyes flashing. He whirled on Mikey, who stared up at him from his spot on the chair. "Tell me why!" Mikey pleaded desperately, his brows furrowed. Raphael let out a frustrated yell.

"Because, Mikey, even if I thought it would work - _which I don't _- and if I wanted to ruin April's life by putting that kind of pressure on her - _which I won't _- and maybe even I absolutely c_ertain _she felt the same way - _which I'm not! _- "

The stand holding Spike's old tank went flying across the room like a furious wind and smashed into the wall, raining pieces of glass and wood to the floor.

"_I could NOT _- _DO THAT - TO DONNIE!" _

Silence followed for a few long, tense moments.

Michelangelo stood slowly, his feet carefully avoiding the shards and splinters. His brother took a deep, shuddering breath that pulled him over into a slumped position against the wall. He sank to the arm of his couch and stilled.

When Mikey spoke, his voice was halting and he sounded on the verge of tears.

"Do.. _what _to Donnie, bro? I mean," Mikey raked a hand over his head. "Yeah, if he was still alive, I can see how there'd be a problem, but..." his voice grew small. "He's _not_."

"So, what?" Raphael asked bitterly. "Are we just supposed to forget him?" The question tore away any last shred of self-control. He bowed his head into his hands and curled them tightly, desperate to press away the tears he'd been fighting for well over a year.

"Of course not," Mikey said quietly, his throat temporarily closing up to work over a sob. "But that doesn't mean you can't be with April. It doesn't mean you guys can't be happy."

"Don't you think I was shitty enough to him when he was alive? Didn't I give him enough fucking grief?" Raphael choked out. "Besides... she's just replacing Donnie with me." The old fear he'd never given voice to, not even in his head, came to him in an instant of blinding pain. He wasn't sure what he was more ashamed of - the fact that he could probably accept that willingly, or the idea of worrying so much over April's feelings when it was Donatello's love and brotherhood he should really be considering.

Mikey appeared in front of him and his expression fell back into the firm gaze he'd seen before.

"No, dude. She loved Donnie, yeah, but they were never together."

The horrifying, emasculating sobs threatened to overtake him again and he wasn't sure if it was hearing about April's love for Donnie or just remembering how much effort and affection his brother had offered her. He had been giving and patient and tolerant in ways Raphael could never understand or emulate.

The thought made him cry harder and he could hear Mikey next to him, fighting to steady himself. "It doesn't matter," Raphael scowled. He lifted his head and fought the urge to drop it once more. Mikey stooped in front of him, his hand on his brother's shoulder.

"Why?" Mikey asked again, and this time he sounded truly baffled. Raphael shook his head, his hands tight on his knees.

"Because I can't," he rasped out. "I _can't_."

Mikey frowned and dropped his gaze for a moment. When he returned it to Raphael's face, his grip on the other's shoulder tightened. "And what do you always say to April when she tells you she _can't_?"

Raphael's eyes moved away from the floor and up to Mikey's face. Even through the tears, his lips quirked at an aggrieved smile. His words to her were all too easy to recall.

"I tell her.. no bitching," he murmured.

"Exactly," whispered Mikey in reply.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Three months ago.<strong>_

"Ooh, look at me. I'm like a tight-rope walker."

Raphael rolled his eyes, his arms moving up to settle behind his head against the trunk of the tree. April treaded the limb carefully, a pleased grin on her face as she tiptoed down its length. Down below, a hill rolled into an outcrop of soft grass where people gathered under the night sky to watch a band of musicians croon a soft tune.

The park always had the pleasant side effect of feeling far away.

"You're way to uncoordinated to be a tight-rope walker," Raphael smirked, one leg dangling comfortably off the secure branch. April stuck her tongue out at him, but no sooner had she prepared an adequate response than she wobbled forward, nearly tumbling out of the tree. Raphael snatched her around her middle and yanked her back up, breathing out a sigh of relief even as April broke into a fit of giggles.

"You jinxed me," she rolled her eyes up at him even as a warm smile found its way onto her face. Raphael returned it, pulling her back easily to the limb, just in front of his folded knee. His arm remained settled around her. The lights from the soundstage blinked in the distance, casting red, blue and green shapes around them.

"Maybe you jinxed yourself," he teased, his fingertips brushing the keys she kept clipped at her beltloop. They jingled quietly. April turned on the branch so they were both facing the stage again, her body shifting towards his so she could lean against his shoulder. She kicked her feet lightly.

Raphael gave her a side-long glance.

"Wouldn't you rather be down there?" he asked curiously, gesturing down to the people folded up on blankets and lawnchairs near the stage. April turned her face towards his and smiled. It felt like a long moment before she answered, but her smile never wavered.

"No," she said softly.

* * *

><p>April frowned at the sound of yells and thuds sounding from behind the door. She hoped she had the right place. She had never been here before.<p>

To her relief, Casey Jones answered her knocks a few seconds later.

"April," he said in surprise. More shouts and raucous laughter followed, something from the television blaring in the background. He grimaced over his shoulder at his roommates.

"I'm sorry," April rushed. "I just - I should have called, I just wanted to.. talk to you, if I could."

Casey blinked and then scowled in annoyance when one of his roommates called out to him. "Shut up, Matt! I'm at the door!" He quickly turned back to April and held up a hand apologetically. "We can definitely talk, gimme just a sec."

He disappeared behind the door and then returned a moment later. "Okay, come on. We can go up to the roof." April entered tentatively, noticing the noises from the living room area had quieted significantly. Still, Casey lead her away and up a flight of stairs. She was glad for the cool wind of the rooftop, and when Casey shut the door behind her, she exhaled just a bit.

"So.. new place?"

"Yeah," Casey rolled his eyes. "Who woulda' thought living with a bunch of guys would get old?" He grinned a bit and reached into a tiny fridge located behind the alcove door. "Want a drink?"

April eyed him skeptically.

"I have soda," he added thoughtfully. April smiled a bit and nodded, and when she had the cool bottle in her hands, it was a relief to have something to hold on to. The two of them settled on the edge of the rooftop, legs dangling, and fell into silence. April didn't open her drink, instead keeping it tight in her grip. She opened her mouth several times to speak, even once clearing her throat, but words failed her. Casey glanced at her and offered a small, comforting smile.

"I'm sorry," April exhaled shakily. "I - I had all of this in my head and now it's gone."

"Take your time, Red." Casey gently knocked her shoulder. "I don't have anywhere to be."

April gave him a watery smile, her gratitude for his understanding falling over her in overwhelming waves. She struggled for a moment more before finally settling her gaze on the distance sky. It helped.

"When Donnie was alive," she started, her voice growing stronger as she found her mental footing. "I never really took the time to talk to him about how I felt. I was.. always distracted. With my father, with school, and then with the Kraang and Shredder... " April's voice trailed off before resuming. "There was just so much going on. So much change. Before I met you and the turtles, I only had my dad." She peered up at Casey. "I felt like everything going on was just suffocating me."

She looked away once more.

"I knew how Donnie felt and I didn't say anything. I let myself believe it was because of all the other stuff going on. I let _him _believe that. And it was true," she sighed. "Sort of." Her fingers turned the soda bottle over in her hands. Her lips pursed and trembled, the corners of her eyes growing crinkled and damp.

"But really, in the few months before Donnie died, I _did _think about it. I felt like he was always on my mind, because now everything in my entire life was intertwined with his and... " she gulped, her fingers working over the top of her drink. She took a moment to steady her breath. "I knew I loved him. Just like I know it now. And you know," she looked at Casey, who was watching her carefully. "I really think I could have been with him and been happy."

Casey nodded and tilted his head at her. "But..?" he asked, dark brow raised.

April's face crumpled with shame. "But I knew.. I _knew _I'd never be able to give to him what he gave to me." She dropped her chin to her chest, the soda bottle threatening to fall from her trembling fingers. "I cared about him so much and I could have been with him, I know I could have. But I wouldn't have felt the same way he did." Tears dropped down her freckled cheeks. "And you know what the worst part is?"

April blinked rapidly at the tears as they dropped down her lashes.

"When I tried to figure out why I couldn't say anything, I began to wonder... if maybe.. no matter how open-minded or unique I think I am..." she sucked in a deep breath, "... maybe I just couldn't really be attracted to him..." she swiped at her tears. " ... because he was a _mutant_."

"Well, yeah..." said Casey slowly, a frown touching his lips. "I don't think anyone could blame you for that."

April looked up at the starry sky and it filled with images.

Raphael leaned against the counter in her apartment, his pose casual and assured. His secret smile to her, sometimes accompanied by a wink when they were in a room with others. His distinctive form of _kata _poses, his eyes, the way his hands moved over his weapons or sometimes over her.

His cool, confident smirk. The grip of his hands on her arms or hips and the resulting thrill that reverberated throughout her entire body.

The rush of sensations that accompanied every glance in his direction.

His silhouette in her window.

The way he'd looked and felt on the couch that night.

Just the recollection of these images made buried her under the sensations that had followed. April turned her head in Casey's direction and let it fall limply. Her teary admission came with a forlorn smile that started in her heart and burdened her eyes.

"That's not what it was."

* * *

><p>Author's Note: Pretty short, I know, but hey. Another chapter! Thanks guys!<p> 


	10. Chapter 10

Author's Note: None. Enjoy the story, guys.

_"Wow, they're so.. strange and beautiful." _

_"After a while, all you see is the beauty." - Elisa Maza, Gargoyles_

* * *

><p>Raphael knelt.<p>

For a long time, the only noise in the dojo was the soft hiss of a match being lit, the occasional crackle given by the candles. His head bowed and his hands in front of him, Raphael felt strangely helpless and young.

He raked a hand over his head and chuckled just a bit. The noise sounded off, but somehow the rumble of it in his chest calmed him a little.

"Damn it, Donnie. You know I'm not good at this."

Raphael sucked in a deep breath and finally lifted his head, a hand reaching out to touch the small monument just once. His fingers brushed the bo staff and the texture of the wrapped leather made his face contort with the effort to keep calm.

He dropped his hand.

"I just wanted to say... I just wanted to let you know - "

He paused, his eyes clenching shut for a moment before he continued. "I just wanted .. to _remind _you.. because... I know you already know this, but I have to say it to you now because if I don't, I may lose my mind." A long, shuddering inhale.

"I miss you." Raphael's voice cracked, but a great deal of effort kept it steady. "And .. I hope you know - I hope you always knew - that I cared about you. That I gave you a hard time because of the way I am, not because of the way you are." Raphael turned his blurred vision to the dojo ceiling.

"But that's not an excuse. That didn't give me any right to treat you.. the way I did." He swallowed tightly and another hoarse chuckle escaped him. "Though, ya know, if you were still alive and none of this had happened, I'd still be treatin' you the same way. But I'd still feel the same way, too, ya know? And that's the part I never said. It's always been there, with all the teasin', but that's the part I hid and I'm really, truly sorry for that because what I appreciated about you was so much stronger than anything I held against you," his words tumbled out in a rush.

He dropped his head.

"So, like the sorry piece that I am, I have to say it now... like this... " His tone briefly hardened, a teary edge clipping his tone. "To a god damn photograph, because you're not here anymore." Raphael sighed.

"I am _sorry, _Donatello," his voice quivered. "And not just for the way I treated you or the things I said, even though all that's bad enough on its own." Raphael lifted his head to the small monument.

"I'm sorry because I let myself... _feel _this way.. about April," he whispered. His words became more urgent, rushing to explain himself, to ward off a backlash that would never come.

"I swear I didn't feel this way before," he choked out desperately. "I mean, I cared about her, like Leo and Mikey do. I could see _why _you liked her so much, why it was so easy for her to be around and be part of our family. I knew that! But - " Raphael heard an unfamiliar noise in the back of his throat and realized it was his body's efforts to stave off a sob. His eyes filled with tears that had waited patiently for more than a year.

Raphael gripped his both of his upper-arms in a self embrace. His body trembled.

"... Donnie, she needed you so much after you were gone. She needed you to be here," Raphael sputtered, tears pouring down his cheeks. "And I was the best she could have. I had to help her, I had to try."

A hand reached up and fisted at his eyes.

"And then it was changing and I couldn't see it, I could only feel it. And I'm not good at that stuff, you know I'm not! Damn it, Donnie. You know I can't handle that kind of stuff. I thought I couldn't even handle helping her recover, because damn it, I wasn't even there myself yet. I wasn't okay. None of us were okay," he rushed out, one hand slamming into the ground.

"But she needed someone. She needed you. And so I tried."

Raphael exhaled and almost laughed again, even though his sobs threatened to choke him.

"You should have seen her, Don. She was so, so strong. I mean, she was scared in the beginning, but I think you found the most amazing woman in the world because she has done _so damn much_." Raphael's fist dropped to the floor and the tight grip unfurled. "She was so brave, she made me feel brave, too. And when I felt like that, I felt happy, too. Like... like maybe it was okay, because we were in sync together, and everything I did, I felt like she was there too, even when she wasn't."

Raphael looked up at the photograph and stifled a whimper.

"And I knew then, I knew it was bad. I knew it was bad when I felt like I had less to say when she wasn't there, because she's just like you in a way, Donnie. She's so _smart, _she knows what I'm trying to say or do even when it doesn't make sense to anyone else, includin' me."

His entire body leaned forward in a full bow, his forehead on the dojo floor and his eyes shut.

"It didn't matter if I was screamin' or throwin' something, didn't matter if I was mad for no reason or just upset. She's like you, Donnie. She's sharp." Tears dropped to the floor and puddled. "She finds all the sense behind my shit and works it out so that it's not just me spoutin' nonsense. It means something to her."

Raphael's fingers gripped his head, his entire body hunched over on on the mat.

"I didn't feel this way before, Donnie. I swear to you on my life."

The turtle straightened slowly, his face streaked. His hand reached out again and touched the stand. He scooted closer on his knees, his expression imploring.

"But if I learned anything from losin' you, Donnie..." he gripped the edge of the monument and tucked his head. " ... it's that you can have the most amazing ... wonderful... _loving _things standin' right in front of you... " his body rocked with a convulsive gasp. " ... and never _see _them until it's too late."

His words gave way to sobs, the sort that wracked his shoulders and brought him back down to the floor.

* * *

><p><em>Roosevelt High School - Class of 2015 <em>

_cordially invites you to the graduation of _

_April O'Neil _

_Saturday, the twelfth of May_

_two thousand and fifteen_

_seven o'clock in the evening_

_Roosevelt High School Auditorium _

* * *

><p>April heard the rumble of the motorcycle long before it came into view.<p>

Few buildings existed out here to buffet any sort of noise, and every natural syllable in the nearby woods echoed and rolled off the landscape like the wind.

She remained on her blanket, fingertips brushing the cool blades of grass nearby. Even when the single light of the bike rolled up nearby and the engine died with a whir, she didn't turn her head or sit up until she heard her name.

"April!" Raphael called, and even in the blue-washed moonlight, she could see his panic as he ripped off his helmet. He was fully dressed, probably because he'd been driving on the highway, in a pair of black track pants and a long motorcycle jacket. April pushed herself into a seated position and watched him scan the front porch of the abandoned farmhouse. She stood before his search became too frantic.

"I'm right here, Raph," she called out.

Raphael's gaze instantly found her silhouette. He exhaled visibly and marched over, helmet balanced under one arm. "Damn it, April," he said as soon as he reached her, and a strangely amused part of her wondered how many times he's said those same exasperated words to her.

"You disappear all day and I gotta find out from _Casey's _punk ass that you're all the way out here?" he growled, glancing back at the farmhouse remains. April's lips quirked a bit, a curious sort of haze clouding her vision. She glanced up at the sky again, one of her hands gripping the opposite arm idly.

"Sorry," she murmured, tilting her head at the stars. "I just... needed to get away."

Raphael blinked and then glanced away, shrugging his shoulders underneath the coat. "Well, hell, April. You coulda' just told me. I would have left you alone."

The redhead snapped her gaze back to Raphael and reached up to curl her fingers on his arm. "No," she said, taking another step towards him. Her tone grew dreamy once more. "I'm glad you're here." Raphael raised a brow at her, but he allowed himself to relax just a bit, knowing she was safe. April drew him away and took the helmet out of his hands, tenderly dropping it to the side of the blanket. Without the racket of Raph's motorcycle, the distance of the farmhouse cloaked them in soft, natural sounds and nothing more.

They both eased down onto the blanket and April wound an arm around Raphael's. He glanced down at her and, despite his unfamiliar surroundings, some of the tension melted away. He reached over and nudged her chin gently where it sat near his shoulder.

"You shouldn't be all the way out here, ya know. You do graduate tomorrow, after all."

April laughed a bit and looked skyward once more.

"Yeah," she said softly. "I do, don't I?"

"How'd you even get out here?" he asked, glancing around for a vehicle. He saw it before April even answered. Casey's beat-up truck, modified in the most ridiculous ways possible, sat empty near the back of the dirt driveway. "He let me borrow it," April explained. Raphael nodded and fell silent. When he glanced down, he noticed their hands were joined. He didn't remember it happening, but he wasn't surprised.

Not anymore.

It was a warm evening, though not overly so. Wind wound its way through the trees that blanketed the area around the farmhouse and rolled over them in comforting waves, occasionally stirring the edges of the blanket. They stayed like that for a long time, with only the intermittent cries of nearby animals breaking the calm.

"What're you gonna do after you graduate?" Raphael asked finally. The question sounded conversational, but an underlying hint of apprehension tainted it. April slowly shifted her head until her eyes met his. She smiled, as if she could sense his uncertainty and appreciated it, for whatever reason.

"I've decided to go to NYU," she maneuvered herself in front of him and settled on her folded legs. Her knees brushed his, their hands still joined between them. Raphael stared. "You - You mean in the city?" April nodded, her head tilting and her untied hair falling to the side.

"Yeah," she murmured. The string of words left unsaid was heavy.

"I, uh." Raphael dropped his gaze. ".. I thought you liked some of the other schools better. You know, outside of New York." April pulled her eyes away from his face and turned their joined hands. Her fingertips curled further into his palms.

"They didn't have what I was looking for."

When Raphael glanced up at her and saw she'd averted her gaze, he found he couldn't stand it. He brought a hand to her jaw and tenderly lifted it until her eyes lifted to his once more.

"And what's that?"

A touch of a smile and April closed her eyes briefly. She bit her lip, just once, looking for all the world like a woman preparing for battle. Raphael let his hand fall away and drop between them.

"Raphael," April said, and now her tone lost its sleepy, dreamlike quality from before. Instead, it trembled, and even though she didn't look sad - because he knew what that looked like all too well - tears slipped down her cheeks. She ducked her head and batted at her eye in an attempt to hide it. When she spoke again, she looked over Raphael's shoulder, at the farmhouse.

"You know," she started again. "After I lost my mom, I _hated _being away from home..." a soft, bitter laugh escaped her. "... I never wanted to go to summer camp or sleep over at a friend's house. I didn't want to visit relatives or go to the park. Everything just made me so nervous and I felt so suffocated." April's tone fell away and cracks broke up her syllables. "But being at home... having that familiarity and comfort around me... it was like that was the only place in the entire world I could really just... _breathe._"

Raphael listened wordlessly, his expression unfathomable.

When April turned her gaze to his once more, she was smiling again in that curious way.

"And you know what?" she asked, and now she shifted on top of her folded legs so she could meet his gaze directly. "I've realized that's how _you _make me feel, too." Her tone grew tiny, her fingers a mass of trembles in his.

"No matter where we are... or what we're doing... you make me feel like I'm at _hom_e._" _

She peered at him, her lips caught between her teeth as the weight of the admission took her breath away. Raphael remained silent, and for the life of her, she could not take anything away from his expression, not a single hint. A long moment passed between them, neither moving nor speaking until April pulled away and stood. She turned her back to him and grimaced, heat dancing up her neck.

"You can tell me 'no', Raph. You can turn me away," she told him over her shoulder, her arms crossed and her chest tight. She swiped at traitorous tears on her face. "I'm a big girl," she continued forcefully. "I can handle it."

She hadn't heard Raphael stand, but now he was right behind her. When he spoke, his tone was quiet and full of wonder.

"Really?" he murmured. "Because I couldn't."

April turned slowly, blue eyes growing wide. Her hands dropped away. Raphael stepped closer, his green eyes dark and focused. With a careful hand, he reached up and pressed a palm against her cheek. His fingers slipped into her hair.

Blue eyes disappeared behind closed lids as April felt herself take a step closer, and the two of them stood flush against one another. "Guess that means you're stronger than me," his voice went on in a low rumble. "But I think I already knew that."

Her eyes fluttered but didn't open, not when Raphael's lips met hers for the first time of many. A noise escaped her, something between a cry and a laugh, but it fell away when she wound her arms around his neck and pressed into him with all her might. Raphael responded with a desperate cry of his own, his arms encircling with a sort of wild vehemence that could never do justice to the burst of sensations pulsating through every limb.

He turned April in his arms, his mouth sliding over hers as if it was the most natural thing in the world, and their legs crossed and looped to pull their bodies tighter, closer, urgent to make up for lost time. April felt her own hands jump up of their own accord and rake twin paths up Raphael's plastron. When they met the fabric of his coat, she made a soft noise of disapproval. Fingers slipped under the fabric and pushed it off of his shoulders, down the length of his hard arms and to the ground. Raphael's hands dropped away from her for just a moment before returning to her hips and gripping her close.

Every pleasurable sensation from their embrace on the couch, among others, returned with startling force and it was the most brilliant, illuminating experience April had ever known. Raphael's mouth teased out noises from hers that she'd never heard before and it made her want to cry and laugh at the same time.

Strong hands caught the backs of her legs and April found herself back against her blanket, this time with Raphael just above her, his knee falling between each of hers. When their lips parted, she felt a heat that traveled from the nape of her neck to the tips of her toes. It was dizzying.

Raphael lingered over her, his own body a mosaic of desire battling self control.

April's expression shifted into a full smile, one without the heaviness of lingering doubts or sadness troubling its edges. She reached up a hand and curled it at the back of Raphael's neck. Their foreheads touched briefly and Raphael relaxed, a quiet chuckle escaping him. His hand rubbed circles at her hip, just the barest hint of his weight on her.

"I know," she whispered, her own body straining to feel more of him. The words traced a barely audible path over Raphael's as their faces hovered close. "I know you do," he murmured in reply. His own face moved into a rare smile. "That's the crazy part."

* * *

><p>Leonardo glanced at his phone again.<p>

"This is definitely not good," he muttered to Mikey, who was leaning against a railing and trying not let Master Splinter overhear him. "Yeah, the ceremony's starting in like, ten minutes, dude! What if - Oh, hey, look!" Michelangelo jumped up excitedly and pointed. "There they are!"

Raphael's motorcycle darted around the corner and down the allyway, slowing to a stop near the back entrance of the auditorium, right next to where his brothers and father waited. April jumped off the back of the bike and Leonardo slapped a palm to his face.

"Hey guys! Bye guys!" she rushed out, tossing her helmet to Raphael and snatching a bag-covered dress off the seat. She hurried up the concrete steps and disappeared into the double doors of the auditorium before Raphael had even let down his kickstand.

He chuckled and slipped off the bike, parking it carefully against the concrete wall and taking his time getting it situated. When he turned to face his family's stares, he tried to look contrite and failed miserably. Instead, he raised both brows and poorly hid a grin. Even under Master Splinter's withering glare, the pleased expression refused to fade.

"What?" He asked innocently.

"Where _were _you guys?" Leonardo snapped, throwing his arms up in exasperation. "We've been looking for you everywhere!"

Raphael put his helmet on the handle of his bike. "We went to go get somethin' to eat," he said easily. No matter how hard he tried to push it away, his smile remained. Mikey screwed up his face in thought.

"Yeah, but... you guys have been gone since like... " A long pause. ".. _yesterday._"

"And one of your knee pads is missing," Leonardo finished flatly.

Raphael's green eyes widened momentarily - and this time Master Splinter's glare might have turned him to ash - but music started playing inside and Raphael took that as his cue. "Come on, guys, the ceremony's about to start!"

He rushed inside and left his family to follow, all shaking their heads. Except for Mikey, of course. He was smiling.

* * *

><p>The auditorium was dark, which thankfully made it even easier for the Hamato family to sit high in the rafters. Raphael jumped into a place between Leo and Mikey, and when they were all comfortable, he looped both arms briefly around their shoulders.<p>

Both of the brothers stared at him incredulously. Leo looked like he wanted to be annoyed, but finally he just laughed. He patted Raphael's knee and glanced slyly at Master Splinter, whose whiskers twitched with the effort not to smile. Then he, too, gave up the effort and touched his son's shoulder.

Down below, people filed into the wide range of seats in front of the stage. The microphone whirred and shrieked before coming into full functionality. A balding man took his place behind it and welcomed the crowd as it settled. After a few moments, a group of some two hundred students filed in, all dressed in the horridly uncomfortable graduation robes and caps.

Raphael's smile grew when he saw April, hair hurriedly curled and dress in place under her gown, as she stepped out onto the stage in a long line. He noticed her friend Melanie off to the side, and further down from there, Casey Jones. The stage lights shifted and fell on the students, all of whom sat excitedly next to one another with grins and giggles. People in the audience called out and took pictures, and every so often, a flash lit up the otherwise dim room.

The balding man took to the mic once more.

"Thank you all for attending this commencement ceremony," his voice echoed and the crowd grew quiet. "I know that each and every one of our students here at Roosevelt High appreciates your continued love and support. Today, they begin their journeys anew."

He glanced down at a card in his hand.

"We have many things to celebrate tonight. Each of these wonderful young people has accomplished something great. And yet we must recognize those who went above and beyond, who took the craft of academia and reached new heights." The man gestured behind him.

"May I present to you, the Roosevelt High School Class Valedictorian of 2015, Miss April O'Neil - "

"BOOYA-KA-SHA!"

**"**_**SHUT UP, MIKEY!" **_all three of the chorused.

The valedictorian in question barely managed to contain her laughter as she stepped up to the mic, watching as some people continued to look for the source of the mysterious shout. A few giggles escaped her and she took a moment to pause and catch her breath. The blinding light of the stage threatened to overwhelm her, but she found her strength. She didn't need to see them to know they were there.

April O'Neil drew in a deep breath and faced the crowd.

"I want to thank you all for being here," she started, and when she found her voice was steady, her smile grew. "I know that's something the principal already said," she continued conversationally. "But I really want to impress upon each of you just how much it means to have you here. No matter if you're friend or family... you're here because you're important to someone. And they're important to you. So _thank you, _again, for meaning enough to someone in this group..." she gestured behind her. " ... to be here for them."

Her hands curled in front of her and she paused before continuing.

"A year ago, I didn't think I would be here today. I didn't think I'd be graduating at all, in fact." Her eyes raked over the crowd and she found her aunt there, smiling tearfully. She returned it. "I lost some people very important to me over the past few years. People I thought I could never do without."

Raphael watched from a distance as April reached up and touched a hand to her heart.

"But if there's one thing I've realized.. in my admittedly brief life.. it's that we can let tragedies take something away from us," she looked out over the crowd, to the darkness of where she knew the Hamato clan sat. " ... or we can let them give us something instead."

Her eyes turned back to the crowd.

"I only stand in front of you today because I had the amazing fortune of being a part of something extraordinary. It's something you all have the chance to be a part of, too, if you want." She turned to address her fellow graduates. Casey Jones flashed her a genuine smile from his seat.

"I didn't get to where I am just by studying or doing reports. I got here because someone, somewhere along the way, let me know that my life was worth too much to throw away."

She looked away from the students.

"I'm here because, even though it still burns my heart every time I think about those I've lost," her voice wavered just a bit. The distant jingle of charms sounded through the mic in the otherwise silent, captivated gym. "I know now that the sum of what they gave me is too precious to waste."

April touched the edge of the mic.

"So when this ceremony is over, and you all find your graduates, hug them close," she exhaled shakily. "Tell them you love them. Give them everything you can, all of you. You never know when they might need it. You never know.. what it might _mean _to them some day." A single tear escaped, but April smiled, stronger this time. "Thank you." She stepped away from the mic as applause bounced and echoed off the walls.

Instrumental music, a soft peppy beat, picked up as April returned to her seat. Melanie jumped up in the aisle behind her and hugged her neck, and from that moment on, the audiorium was a cacophany of laughter. Each student received his or her diploma with a wide grin or a happy shout, including Casey Jones, who dropped down to one knee and thrust his diploma in the air like a guitar.

Raphael and the others carefully sneaked out the back doors again and waited in the dark alley, though it wasn't long before April rushed out of the door behind them, diploma in hand. She positively leapt off the top step and straight into Raphael's arms, laughing wildly as he twirled her in a circle. He dropped her to her feet and barely, _barely _contained the urge to kiss her in front of his brothers.

"Whoo!" Mikey shouted, snatching April up in a tight hug. "Congrats!"

Leonardo laughed, and he and Spinter each captured April in tight, appreciative hugs. "We are so proud of you, April," Master Splinter told her warmly, touching a clawed hand to her head. The girl beamed up at him, though she did jump and gasp when the back door opened with a slam.

"HELL YEAH, I'M OUT OF THIS BITCH!" Casey Jones jumped over the landing and crashed straight into Mikey, who immediately countered by locking him in a headlock. "You did it, you goon!" April laughed again, the boundless joy bubbling in her chest pleasantly.

A pair of strong arms slipped around her from behind and she glanced over her shoulder with a wide smile. This time, neither of them could resist a brief kiss, April's hand poised at the back of Raphael's head. It struck her in that moment that she had the best family in the entire world. The two of them rocked side to side, their gazes close.

Mikey finally straightened from his tussle with Casey. "Come on bros and lady-bro's, let's go get some celebratory piz - " He stopped mid-sentence, his eyes wide.

"Uh, oh."

April and Raphael both turned, as did the others, just as shadows formed out of concrete auditorium walls.

"Foot clan," Leonardo snarled. Down the street, sirens sounded. People began screaming at the front of the building. In front of the Hamato clan, Shredder's ninjas dropped into view and twirled their weapons threateningly.

April glanced up at Raphael and smirked. With a single hand, she reached up and unsnapped the top of her graduation gown. She dropped it to the side carelessly and - _clink _- her metal fan appeared in her hands.

"Well," she said to the others coyly. "It was nice while it lasted."

The others smirked and, each in turn, fell into their defensive crouches, weapons in hand. Beside April, Raphael whipped out his sai and gripped them tight. He tossed her an appreciative wink.

"'Atta girl," he grinned.

_"BOO-YA-KASHA!"_

* * *

><p>Author's Note: Fin!<p>

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to everyone who read this fic, whether you reviewed or not. This is the first story I've written in a long while, and it really gave me back the sense of growth I'd lost before. It's not the longest story on the site by far, but it will stay with me for a long time.

I may be writing a Donnie-centric fic after this. I haven't decided. Either way, I hope you all continue to read - anything, anywhere - and fill your hearts and minds with inspiration from it. Don't ever let anyone make you feel silly for loving the things you do, or drawing comfort from something like a make-believe story or an animated show. I have learned more in places I've never been than anywhere else in the world.

Thank you again.


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